The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Why is the congress, particularly the republicans, trying to get involved in a personal matter in the state of Florida. Should they really be telling the family when to remove the feeding tubes or not to remove the feeding tubes, if the husband says that his wife’s wishes are that she not be a vegetable?

    —Annoyed in Placitas Trails North

Dear Annoyed,

Y’see it’s this way.  The republicans are playing to their base.  Oh, I think you think I mean the right-to-lifers (except death penalty decisions in Texas). True, the republicans are playing to that base.  Well, maybe a little, but the major base the republicans want to appeal to are the “brain dead” folks.  That’s how they won the last election, and I’m sure that they want to preserve as many brain-dead folks as possible.  Who knows, maybe Terri can be made Chairman of the Republican National Committee. Oh, by the way, back when George W Bush, Mr. Humanitarian, was Governor of Texas, he signed a law that gives hospitals the right to remove life support if the patient could not pay and there was no hope of revival. It’s the Texas Futile Care Law and was used recently to remove a baby from life support against the wishes of its mother. Hmmmmm?

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    The weather was so nice I brought out my summer shorts and T-shirts and took the cover off the barbecue. Then, without notice, we had the March 14th surprise snowfall. Sheesh! Did I feel silly out in the backyard in my shorts and T-shirt grilling burgers. How did this storm go undetected until it was upon us? Or does the old adage hold true, if you want to know what the weather is going to be, look out the window.

    —Suckered in San Felipe

Dear Suckered,

Yes, it’s been an interesting season weather-wise. The storm wasn’t undetected, just under-reported. The only one who got it right was that weekend guy on channel 4 – y’know the one who doesn’t have a neck. By the way, if you really live in San Filipe, I don’t feel too bad for you. I’ve been suckered there myself a few times at the casino. What a snow job!

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I know you do not like to talk about politics. But what is the big deal about the Congress investigating these big league baseball players to see if they used steroids. I mean, don't these duffasses have anything more important to worry about? Like the national deficit? Like getting our troops out of Iraq? Like getting with the program and not being the only major developed nation that refuses to acknowledge that global warming is real? And who cares if Mark McGuire uses steroids? Can you hear where I am coming from?

    —B. Bonds
    The Bay Area

Dear Mr. Bonds,

What an honor to receive your email. Yes, I concur that congress has better things to do than worry about steroids. I mean I couldn’t care less that your testicular sack has shriveled to the size of Tom Delay’s brain. And McGuire really looked classy while he was saying he’d rather not talk about whether he used steroids. These guys, like Sammy Sosa the slow-witted Dominican, look like Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloons. Of course they takes steroids. I couldn’t care less and would prefer the congress – on both sides of the aisle - looks at ways to reduce the deficit and stop global warming. They just don’t care, as long as they can vote themselves a pay increase every two years. Makes me sick!

—UD

 

    Hi Uncle Duffy

    It's me, unlucky in love, Gloria. I know you warned me... Remember I was worried about my mom, who spends a lot of time surfing the web, seeing the photos that my EX-boyfriend Ernest posted on his Website? Well not only did my mom see the photos, everyone in my e-mail address book! Ernest, my EX (or is it XXX) boyfriend send announcements with links to his Website (with my photos) to everyone in my address book, including my mom and Father Domingo. 59 people in all. But who is counting.

    The good news is Ernest is now my very XXX-Boyfriend. One of the people who received Ernest's SPAM ad was a very shy person named Bart, who went to the Website, and then sent me an e-mail saying he had fallen in love with me and would I marry him!!! It was all so sudden, but I said sure, why not.

    Do you think this was rash and impulsive on my part? Should I have insisted on some kind of engagement? Or a ring?

    Your friend,

    —Gloria

Dear Gloria,

I saw those photos too. Interestingly, it was Father Domingo who sent it to me. He thought I’d be interested. He said it wasn’t his cup of tea. Do you have any brothers?  At any rate, you may wish to be a bit more cautious with Bart. These internet relationships often don’t work out too well. Sometimes, and I’m not saying this is the case with good old Bart, the person is not the same age or even the same sex as they are indicating on line. I think you should wait until you meet him before you give him a definitive YES regarding marriage. And Gloria...I hope this isn’t too late…don’t send him any money, any info on your checking accounts, any info on anything until you run it past me first. I won’t print it if you like, but you’ve demonstrated in the past that you’re not the clearest thinker on the subject of your boyfriends, so I’d like to be an independent third person. If Bart comes to our little town, tell him that you want him to meet your favorite uncle. I’ll be somewhere on the other side of a metal detector the first time I meet him (or her).

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

     

    I was reading the pros and cons on the new Placitas Community Bulletin Board Website about whether or not those gravel trucks on HWY 165 at I-25 should be diverted to the Algodones on ramp in the morning. There were good points on both sides and I can't really make up my mind how I feel. What's your opinion?

    —Margie
    Diamond Tail

My little Margie,

I have to recuse myself from this discussion since I’m a major stockholder in ABC Windshields which gets a lot of business from all the cracked windshields from those gravel trucks. I’m more concerned about the black belching smoke coming out of those trucks as the US EPA continues to relax its pollution standards. And after the drivers stop at the taco bell, I’m concerned about the belching gas coming out of the truck drivers as the US FDA continues to relax its microbial standards.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I know I asked you this question last year, but I forget what you said. I asked you about a year ago (I'm only 8 and when your 8 a year is like 5 years in adult years) where do the hummingbirds go in winter? Was it Boca Raton? The Bahamas? I think it was something that begins with a B but I really can't remember.

    —Timmy
    Placitas Village

Dear Timmy,

Yes I’ve answered you three times on the same question. You have the memory and attention span of newt. I forgot what I answered last time, so let’s just say that the hummingbirds don’t go anywhere, they just dig a hole next to your yard and hibernate for the winter. So, if you see a hole in your back yard, or in an arroyo near you, just go get a 50 pound bag of sugar and pour the contents into each hole.  Or they’ll all die and it’ll be your fault.

—UD


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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