The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I went for my annual physical the other day and they gave me a questionnaire to fill out. One of the questions was, "What have you had to eat in the last 24 hours?" Why would they ask me that? And how should I know what I had to eat? I have a hard enough time remembering to wake up each morning!

    —Confused and not amused
    Bernalillo

Dear confused and not amused,

If you went to the clinic I’m thinking of, then there was a very practical reason for their question.  They want to know what you had to eat to aid them in the autopsy which they expected, but apparently didn’t occur.  Y’know it’s quite unpleasant for the pathologist in this area to open up a gut and not know what the person had eaten in the last 24 hours.  The pathologist does know that if you had a lot of frijoles y cerveca, then they need to be prepared for gastric explosions.  And that’s reality.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Why is the moon different every time I see it? I mean sometimes it comes up at sunset, sometimes it doesn't come up until the middle of the night, and sometimes I see it in the middle of the day? Why can't the moon be more consistent? Like the sun, for example.

    —Tommy
    3rd Grade

     

Dear Tommy,

You must have very intelligent parents if they let you surf the web. I hope you haven’t found some of the other sites which Uncle Duffy suggested in the past. The reason the moon is not as consistent as the sun is because it’s made out of green cheese.  When the first astronauts landed on the moon, they had to bring Ritz crackers and Snapple, or they couldn’t have eaten away those craters. And besides, the moon is much more important than the sun, because the sun is out in the day when there already is a lot of light.  The moon, on the other hand, comes out at night when we need a little extra light.  I hope you share these answers with your friends in 3rd grade, Tommy.  Tell them you learned everything from the Signpost Website.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Are hot dogs a red meat or a white meat?

    —Dog lover

     

Dear Dog Lover,

Great question…and I can answer the same way I answered when people asked me if I wear boxer shorts or jockey shorts. I always say “Depends”!  Hot dogs, if they’re not kosher ones, are generally made of pig snouts, pig feet, and monkey scrotums.  Kosher ones, on the other hand, are made of entrails of Vienna Choir Boys.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I was visiting a friend in Placitas. My friend drove me around a new place called Anasazi Trails. I didn't see any signs of any Anasazi ruins, or trails for that matter. Just a lot of empty lots and a bunch of new homes being built. Don't there have to be some signs of ancient ones before someone can call something Anasazi anything?

    DST
    —Rio Rancho Haciendas

     

Dear DST,

It’s called Anasazi Trails because the average age of residents there is approaching 80 – hence the name Anasazi…or Ancient Ones. Luckily they were able to cover up those stupid ancient baskets, bones and junk and build a nifty jogging path. And, when the place was being excavated, there were old Pueblo ruins discovered.  Also a lot of pot.  Not a pot shard, just pot. Placitas used to be overrun by hippies in the 60’s but most of them became artists and musicians and now live in 5000 square feet mansions – some with indoor plumbing.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I'm 14 (well almost) and my boyfriend is 19 (really). We have been going out for 4 weeks now and I think that it is the real thing.

    We know this tattoo dude in Albuquerque who can do a tattoo of a person's face, like a photograph almost. Drake (that's my boyfriend... he's so cute) wants me to have his picture tattooed on the inside of my thigh (where only he can see it!!!).

    I think it sounds really cool. The only problem is, I'm afraid of needles of any kind, even tattoo needles. What do you think I should do? I don't want Drake to think I don't love him?

    —Scared in Sandia Heights

 

Dear Scared,

Y’know, I’m scared just going to Sandia Heights, so I don’t blame you for being nervous about the tattooing. I’m guessing that, since you’re 13, you may find another guy some day, so I wouldn’t do anything permanent with my body if I were you. This is particularly true since your boyfriend is no doubt going to go to prison soon for statutory rape of a dim-witted 13 year-old. But you can visit him in prison, although you might not be able to flash that thigh tattoo at him too readily.  I hope this helps.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Who are you really? I was hoping to meet you at Placitas Appreciation Day since my friend Barb said she thought you lived in Placitas somewhere. Is that true? And why are you so shy? Do you ever appear in public? And if you do, would you sign my copy of the Signpost?

    —Dorothy from Placitas

Dear Dorothy,

Your friend Barb is correct. I do live in Placitas. I’m keeping a low profile because some of my advice may have annoyed a person or two – particularly the omnipresent flaming right-wingers who grace Placitas and who are known to carry hundreds of guns (no doubt many of them are registered – the guns AND the people). I do appear in public, and can often be seen in the last remaining restaurant in Placitas.  Just look for me at one of the lunch tables.  I’m the one who won’t make eye-contact with you…something that’s quite unusual for New Mexico. My demeanor is generally moribund.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have written a poem and would like to know if you think I have any talent.

      There once was a Uncle named Duffy

        Who was quite fond of Orange Ruffy

          He'd swallow a fin

        With a mouthful of Gin

    And never once would he look scruffy

    —Henry W. Longfellow - Cherry Hill

 

Dear Henry,

Wow, that was beautiful. It’s the first poem I’ve ever gotten in the mail.  And I do love a thimbleful of Gin about 30 times a day. Thank you.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I've been a CPA for almost 30 years. The other day when I was driving into town to see a client, I got to thinking; I've been a CPA just about all my adult life. I like numbers and I have some very excellent clients. But maybe I would have been happier doing something else? Do they accept people my age in the Astronaut program?

    —Boring in Bernalillo

 

Dear Boring,

Funny you should write that. I’ve known a lot of accountants in my life, and without exception they’re dull beyond belief.  Most have the personality of a sessile slug, and the looks to match their personality.  I recommend that you do try to get into the Astronaut program, you must be highly qualified – after all, in school you no doubt “took up space”.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Our cat Willie is a terrific hunter. He loves to kill bunnies. I have mixed emotions about this. The little bunnies are soooo cute and cuddly, but on the other hand, the little S.O.B.s eat everything I plant in the ground. What would you do if you were me?

    —Barbara - Ranchos

Dear Barbara,

Send Willie over to my house.  I don’t want to “split hares” but I wouldn’t be too sad to see all of those cute little things added to a lot of predators’ diets. Many of my readers will be offended because they’ll say that rabbits are god’s creatures and have a right to eat our crops. I say that rabbits are the work of the devil, along with mosquitoes and telemarketers.

—UD

      Dear Uncle Duffy

      Do you think the Belknaps (you know, the people who publish the Signpost) are rich? Every month they go on some big expensive trip. And then they write these long stories with these really pretty pictures. My Herbert and I are retired (Herbert was in vacuum cleaner sales until his retirement) and it's all we can do to get back to Peoria once every two years for a week to visit my grand kids.

      —Struggling in Corrales

Dear Struggling,

Yes I believe they’re very wealthy.  I hear they own the actual drilling rights to the Las Huertas Creek, and they’ve already found veins of gold, platinum, and yellowcake.  However, to their credit they’ve donated most of their money to the various charities in the area – the Save Our Merc Foundation, the Let’s Burn down a Piñon Association, and the newly formed Home for Itinerant Klezmer Musicians, just south of Juniper Hills.  By the way, does anyone mention to Herbert the irony of his name, since he no doubt sells Hoovers?

—UD

 


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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