The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Where were you last month? Hey do you think your loyal readers are so dumb that they wouldn’t notice that you printed the same column two months in a row. I mean, for goodness sake, we’re talking about one bloody column a month.  Some of those newspaper guys and ladies have to write a column a day.  Rush has to come up with three hours of vacuous statements a day to keep his slow-witted listeners panting properly.  So what’s the big deal? You’d better have a column next month. Don’t print this please.

    —Anonymous in Algodones

Dear Anonymous,

Okay, I won’t print your letter. Ooops, I guess I did…and I made it the first one too.  Hah!  Where was I last month? I’ll tell you where I was…I was y’know doing a bunch of stuff, like helping people, y’know like building houses for that Humanity group and feeding the homeless folks at The Homeless Depot on 528, and killing flies in the kitchen of one of the all-you-can-eat food buffets on Menaul. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t really busy, I just wanted to see if anyone would notice that I didn’t write anything last month. Apparently you did.  Nice!

—UD

    Dearest Uncle,

    I’m a senior in high school and in a cool sorority.  I wish I had an uncle like you. Will you be my adoptive uncle?  The only uncle I had babysat for me when I was 12 and is still serving his time in the Truth or Consequences Municipal Hoosegow.  Anyway, he wasn’t really my uncle, but mom told me to call him “uncle Freddy”. So, will you be my uncle?  And if so, how can I get a hold of you?

    —Shirley

Dear Shirley,

I’m sorry about your bad experience with your mom’s friend.  I hope things are better for you in high school (I left off the name of the high school so no one can trace this to you).  I didn’t know that high schools had sororities. I hope you’re nice to all the girls and guys in the school, and that you’re not too clannish.  You can see me at my customary table at that restaurant on those days I go there.  Just yell to everyone… “are you Uncle Duffy? Are you?”  Eventually, you’ll find me.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Okay, I know from your columns that you’re not completely nuts about the current administration in Washington.  Well, I’m a life-long Republican, and I’ve always, always supported Republicans in office.  I even worked very hard for Representative Wilson.  But, I think the stuff they’re doing is really over the top.  I’m embarrassed by the dirty politics I’m seeing (I’m writing this a few days after Edwards was selected to be VP candidate under Kerry) and I’m going through the agonizing process of trying to decide if I shouldn’t vote at all or if I should vote for Kerry.  The thought of voting for him disturbs me, but I’m fed up with my party’s dirty politics.  What should I do, uncle, you’re usually pretty reasonable?

    —Disturbed in Sandoval County

Dear Disturbed,

First of all, the Republicans are not the only ones to engage in dirty politics. The Dems are guilty also, just not as vicious. I hate to see both sides engaging in it, but as you correctly observed, the Democrats are boy scouts compared to the nastiness of the Republicans.  To me the low point for politics was when the Republicans criticized Edwards because of his lack of experience, and yet Bush had even less experience when he was given the presidency by his daddy’s friends in the Supreme Court. Even some of the right-wing pundits thought it was an outrage. Not the druggie, Limbaugh, however.  I heard him say in early July that the Democratic nominee was John “F’in” Kerry.  After Cheney’s statements in the Senate, and how the Republican Governor of Connecticut had to resign in disgrace, how dare they think they’re the “moral party”? How dare they? This country should not give these guys a mandate by re-electing them (not that they were elected in the first place).  So what should YOU do…send a message to those clowns. Vote them out!

—UD

    Dear Uncle,

    A few years ago you wrote about dog poop on the roads in Placitas. It’s getting worse.  I can’t take my daughters out for a walk anymore without fear that they’ll step in some “stuff”.  How can I get the attention of the small minority of pet owners that they should clean up after their pets.

    Cautious walker in Homesteads

Dear Cautious walker,

I received a lot of flack after the last column on the subject about two years ago.  Apparently one of my readers actually followed my advice by picking up the poop and smearing it all over two houses in Juniper Hills where people don’t pick up after their pets.  Naturally I was horrified, but my reader recently commented that she hasn’t had a problem since then.   Of course, I don’t recommend you doing that in Homesteads.  Just live with the problem…even if the vigilante response does seem to work. Again, don’t do it…wink, wink.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    What’s the deal on some of the newer homes being built in Placitas and Bernalillo. There’re a few houses on top of hills which look like the Acropolis in Greece.   I mean, doric columns and Greecian arches in adobe homes.  Is there no sense of aesthetics here anymore?

    —Fed up

Dear Fed up,

Here’s the deal… “MONEY, BUT NO TASTE”. These folks are transplanted from the midwest or the east and they want to bring their lack of taste to our area.  Why they want to live in the SW, but don’t appreciate the SW is beyond me. So, when you see one of those Greek or Roman mansions, just yell “All hail Zeus” or “Caesar” and try to mock the people in front of them. Maybe they’ll leave the area and make Sandoval County charming again.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Okay, I’m a gay male.  I’m not proud; I’m not ashamed. It’s just a fact of life – I’m gay.  I have a partner of the same sex, and the large electronics firm I work for (in Rio Rancho, but I’m not naming names) has no problem with my life-style and in fact are giving my life-partner benefits. I think that’s great.  I don’t want to get married at this point, but I don’t have a problem with some of my friends who do want to. So, why the hatred from the religious folks? Why are they so nasty? Why do they hate me so?

    Confused in Algodones

Dear Confused,

The religious folks hate you so much simply because they’re so unsure of their own sexuality. They have mixed signals internally, so they hate people who admit it if their own sexual preference doesn’t go to the opposite sex.  I’ve never seen it fail that the real homophobes in our society are the ones who are scared to death that their own true feelings will come out. Me, I’m a card-carrying heterosexual.  I love women, and I couldn’t care less if I’m with lesbians or gays.  I say…enjoy yourself…life’s too short.

—UD


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The sick and often demented opinions and irresponsible advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

 

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