The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I finally discovered what a BLOG is! (At first I thought it was a BLOCK).

    Anyway, I have been seen the word SCOTUS a lot on the BLOGs I frequent. Search though I might, I have not come up with what it means. Do you know who or what SCOTUS is?

    —Daniel
    Corrales

Dear Daniel of Corrales,

SCOTUS is the sack right below the pelvic girdle which holds the male genitalia. Some scoti (the plural, Daniel) are bigger than others, but through evolution, the smaller scoti have been eliminated from the gene pool. What’s that, Daniel? You don’t believe in evolution; but hold on to the flat earth belief of creationism? Well, I’m guessing your scotus is pretty small – just like your brain. Oh, SCOTUS also stands for the Supreme Court of the United States, and if it helps to turn on a light in that unevolved, pea-sized brain of yours, SCOTUS evolved from the way the Secret Service refer to the President—PROTUS. (Your good Uncle learned that reading the memoirs of a real president, Bill Clinton).

—UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Maybe this will all be cleared up before your next monthly column is published. I’m writing this in early July. I’m confused, Uncle. Our beloved president indicated that he would fire anyone who was involved in this significant security breach of “outing” a CIA operative because her husband went public that the administration was lying about nuclear capabilities in Iraq. (Of course now everyone in the country knows that the administration totally lied about everything to do with Iraq, and I’m sure the president – who is a fine and decent man – does feel guilty about having the blood of all those Americans, British, Iraqi and other people on his hands just because he wanted the oil in Iraq.) But I digress. This morning I heard a press briefing when Scott McLiar, the president’s vacuous press secretary, wouldn’t comment on the fact that Karl Chunky Rove was behind the “outing”, even though that Scott guy had said to the American people earlier that Rove was not involved. The press, to their credit, tried to get Scott to at least rescind his previous lies, but all Scott said was “I can’t discuss an ongoing criminal investigation”.  Uncle Duffy, you’re a bright guy, what do you think about this?

    —Annoyed at the lies of the neocons in DC and fed up with the direction this country is going

Dear Annoyed,

I can’t discuss an ongoing criminal investigation.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    My grandma keeps saying that politicians are like diapers. But she doesn’t say why. Why?

    —Little Nicky

Dear Little Nicky,

Politicians are exactly like diapers because both need to be changed. And for the exact same reason.

—UD

 

    Hi Uncle Duffy

    It's me, Gloria. Well I have been doing a lot of reading and decorating my apartment (things you do when you are between boyfriends). So my question this time is not about my chronic boy problems.

    I was having lunch with a girl I used to be good friends with in high school. She used to be really sweet and caring (anyone who could put up with all my boy problems would have to be, huh?). Anyway, my friend, Grace, told me she has been born again and this time (I guess) is an Evangelical Christian. I said that sounded nice. But then for the next 45 minutes, Grace went on and on about how evil homosexuals were and how this whole gay marriage thing really threatened her marriage. She said she hopes all these gay and lesbian people burn in hell like they deserve. I was shocked dear Uncle. When I went to Sunday school, my teachers always said that we were to love everyone, even if they were not like us or had the same religion. I won't even go into the terrible things she said should happen to the Muslims. I don't know any Muslims, do you? But if I did I would not want anything bad to happen to them unless they were really bad. So, I guess my question is, did I miss something in Sunday school? Were we taught to hate and be intolerant of others? Or was Grace born with the wrong name?

    Yours truly
    Gloria

Dearest Gloria,

Thanks for the letter. Amazing isn’t it, that Grace thinks she’s a good Christian and yet hates so many things, which is rather an anti-Judeo-Christian virtue. She is not “Amazing Grace”, and yes, she’s named wrong. I suspect most people who really hate gay people are scared to death of their own sexuality. Otherwise why in the world would they care one way or another? Gee, I even know a gay couple who practice the Muslim religion. Grace would have a field day with them, yet they’re two of the most wonderful women that I know. Gloria, you’re okay. Dump Grace faster than you’ve dumped some of the jerks you’ve written to me about in the past. You’ll do well, Gloria, because you have a good heart. You’re a sweet kid.

—UD

 

Dear Uncle Duffy

I was visiting one of the fellows I work with last weekend. He lives in Sandia Heights. I was amazed. His house looked like an oasis! Everything was green and lush. And get this, it was 1 PM and he had his sprinklers going full blast! I asked him if he didn't think this was wasteful (a lot of the water was running down his driveway and into the street). I said that we live in a desert and water is not all that abundant. And would it be better to water his lawn (it really is something, so green and thick) at night or in the early morning?

He looked at me as if I were crazy. He said, as long as water comes out of this tap, I'm going to use it. If not me, who? Besides, he said, all my neighbors have fabulous gardens and lawns and hot tubs and spas and stuff, why shouldn't I?

What do you think Uncle Duffy? Is it me, or is this fellow and his neighbors really living in another world?

—Bob P.
Ranchos

Dear Bob,

I’m guessing that this fine gentleman came from Arizona. People here do a lot of criticizing Californians, but at least Californians have a sense of water, and water rights, and would not waste water like those slow-witted Arizonans. One of my daughters used to live in Mesa, AZ, and she was shocked at the amount of water that’s used on golf courses, misters, and other water wasters all over the Valley of the Sun. I once saw a golf course in Tempe watering one of their fairways at noon in August (temperature was 110º) and it seemed like the water wasn’t even hitting the ground before it evaporated.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Why do dogs bark? And why do they always bark when it is hot and I have my windows open? And why do they always bark when I am trying to sleep or have a pleasant dinner on my patio in this lovely summer weather of ours?

    Grant Peterson
    La Mesa

Dear Grant (I once received a Peterson Grant, but I suppose you’re not related),

Dogs bark because they are either uncomfortable, concerned about protecting the security of their owners/masters, or just plain poorly trained. People whose dogs bark all the time, spoiling the ambiance of this wonderful area, are rude, insensitive clods. In fact, one of my ancestors, Tia Sage, once built a machine which actually deciphered the barking of dogs. She found that the barking sounds consistently said the same message that the dogs were trying to convey. Simply “Hi, I don’t have human-like vocal chords, but I just have to speak up about these anal sphincters whom I live with who allow me to bark all day long and all night long, and lick everyone’s face after I eat some delicious coyote turd in an arroyo, and then I lick their platters and get them sick and I wish they’d die anyway and let me live with humans who respect their neighbors.” I found that to be fascinating and accurate.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I am so confused. I'm 87 and have only been using a computer for a short time. (My grandson Nicky, bless his heart, showed me how to use his old laptop computer which he donated to his "favorite granny").

    My problem is I keep getting these e-mail messages from PayPal, eBay, and my bank, telling me that my account is about to be closed if I don't update my account information. I went to the different websites (even though I have no idea what PayPal or eBay is (are?)) and they look legitimate enough. But my question is, why do they need this information when I do not even have an account with them let alone know who these people are?

    —Befuddled in Bernalillo

Dear Befuddled,

Talk to Nicky quickly. Do not answer anyone who asks for personal information about you. If you do, you’ll have a bad case of identity theft so bad that you’ll be getting bills and letters in the mail from disreputable people like loan-sharks, Nigerian warlords, and maybe even gasp, the Republican National Committee. Pull the plug quickly granny. It ain’t worth it.

—UD

 

    Hey Uncle Duffy,

    Okay, I wrote to you last month in a cleverly disguised letter. No one was able to track me down. Here’s my follow-up… I’m a carpenter (actually plumber) who has a wife (partner) who refuses to cook (clean the outhouse) and then always has a headache (diarrhea)so she (he) can get out of the marital (not legal in most states) responsibilities. Sometimes I feel like leaving (shooting) her (him) in her (his) privates (sergeants) and just leaving Algodones (Placitas) for good (for a while). Any advice?

    —Lefty (Righty)

Dear Lefty or whomever,

First, did you ever clean up that dog (cat) poop (pee) in your office? If you recall, I had suggested that you fill your pockets with rocks and hurl yourself into the Las Huertas Creek. Since you clearly didn’t do that, don’t bother to do it now, since the creek – like your brain – is dry. So, I suggest that you go to a bar in Bernalillo, go up to the first biker you see – preferably with tattoos all over his body – and give him a big juicy kiss. Write to me next month if you survive the Critical Care Unit at Pres.

—UD

 

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