Dearest Uncle Duffy,

I live in a nice subdivision of Placitas. One of the reasons I came out here was because the skies are so dark and I can see all the stars and planets with my beautiful new $5000 telescope. Unfortunately, one “gentleman” across the arroyo from me leaves his lights blazing all night long and it totally destroys the night sky and even casts shadows in my room at night. Short of shooting the lights out myself, what can I do, Uncle Duffy?

—Lights out in La Mesa

Dear Lights,

Of course UD would never recommend that you do anything illegal – or even threaten the inconsiderate clods. But why not speak frankly to them and tell them you’re upset? I know the problem. I also like to look at the constellations at night and have been bothered by jerks who probably purchase their outdoor flood lights from the guys who light up the runways at the Sunport. If talking to them doesn’t work, why don’t you rent one of those searchlights used for car dealership promotional events, and train that sucker right into the bedroom of your neighbors? That might do the trick.

 

Dear Uncle Duffy,

Now that there’s more and more information being made available about Albert Einstein, I’d like to ask you if it’s true that his brain is still in a jar somewhere or if it’s buried with the rest of the guy? Also, UD, do you understand and could you explain the equation E = MC2 ?

—Curious in Corrales

Dear Curious,

Yes, Dr. Einstein’s brain was taken out during his autopsy. It’s been kept in a nondescript mason glass jar, preserved in formaldehyde since his death. They tried to see if his brain was different than the rest of us, but they never did see any major difference.  As to the equation, yes I understand it and yes I can explain it.

Dear Uncle Duffy,

I love living here in Bernalillo. Unfortunately, when I go for a walk I have to watch out for dog poop on all the roads. Why can’t people clean after their pets, Uncle?

—Careful walker in Bernalillo

Dear Careful,

Uncle Duffy himself has three dogs and two cats. When we take our dogs for a walk we always carry a pooperscooper so no one would have to step in or drive in any of it. I suggest that when you see someone walking his/her dog without a bag or scooper, you casually ask them about it. You can always do what I did back in the 50’s. When I saw a dog leave a present on my lawn, I put it in a bag and left it on the owner’s front porch. Never had a problem after that.

Uncle Duffy’s golf theories:

Theorem 1 A missed 2 foot putt can be attributed to the ball having the same magnetic polarity as the hole, thus being repelled from going in. If ball and hole are of the opposite polarity, see Theorem 2.

Theorem 2 If a 2 foot putt is missed and the ball and hole are of opposite magnetic polarities - the person putting has experienced an "astral projection" or the essence of that person leaving the body for a second or two during the back swing, then re-entering the body immediately after the putt has been missed.

Theorem 3 If a player is using golf balls with the logo of his/her company imprinted thereon, and if said player hits the ball into woods, deep grass, water, or any other hazard on the course resulting in the loss of the logo ball, this can be construed as advertising due to the high likelihood another golfer will find the ball and, out of gratitude, begin purchasing products made by the company on the ball. As with income taxes, the lost ball is claimed as "deductible" and no stroke or penalty is assessed.

Theorem 4 If a player hits a nice shot, and still cannot find the ball, the ball should be considered "missing but not lost". No penalty.

Theorem 5 If you lose a ball in the rough or water, that's quite sad. No additional penalty should be assigned to you, but you should call it a "grief". At the end of your round, you may give your score as "X shots and a grief or two or three, etc."

Theorem 6 If the ball lands in an unplayable lie or in a clump of trees, you may (casually) kick it out of trouble. No penalty will be assigned if you're not caught.

Theorem 7 If you always aim left, anticipating your nasty slice, and the ball goes where you were actually aiming, you may take another shot. It's certainly not your fault that the ball didn't slice this time. No penalty.

Theorem 8 If you swing and miss, it's always a practice swing. No stroke.

Theorem 9 If you're in a foursome, always be the one to keep score. Thus, you may shout out that you got a "7" on a hole, and inadvertently write down "5". This is perfectly legitimate unless you're playing for money.

I hope this helps improve your score. It may not make you a better golfer, but so what...

Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.