Uncle Duffy’s golf theories:
Theorem 1 A missed 2 foot putt can be attributed to the ball having the same magnetic polarity as the hole, thus being repelled from going in. If ball and hole are of the opposite polarity, see Theorem 2.
Theorem 2 If a 2 foot putt is missed and the ball and hole are of opposite magnetic polarities - the person putting has experienced an "astral projection" or the essence of that person leaving the body for a second or two during the back swing, then re-entering the body immediately after the putt has been missed.
Theorem 3 If a player is using golf balls with the logo of his/her company imprinted thereon, and if said player hits the ball into woods, deep grass, water, or any other hazard on the course resulting in the loss of the logo ball, this can be construed as advertising due to the high likelihood another golfer will find the ball and, out of gratitude, begin purchasing products made by the company on the ball. As with income taxes, the lost ball is claimed as "deductible" and no stroke or penalty is assessed.
Theorem 4 If a player hits a nice shot, and still cannot find the ball, the ball should be considered "missing but not lost". No penalty.
Theorem 5 If you lose a ball in the rough or water, that's quite sad. No additional penalty should be assigned to you, but you should call it a "grief". At the end of your round, you may give your score as "X shots and a grief or two or three, etc."
Theorem 6 If the ball lands in an unplayable lie or in a clump of trees, you may (casually) kick it out of trouble. No penalty will be assigned if you're not caught.
Theorem 7 If you always aim left, anticipating your nasty slice, and the ball goes where you were actually aiming, you may take another shot. It's certainly not your fault that the ball didn't slice this time. No penalty.
Theorem 8 If you swing and miss, it's always a practice swing. No stroke.
Theorem 9 If you're in a foursome, always be the one to keep score. Thus, you may shout out that you got a "7" on a hole, and inadvertently write down "5". This is perfectly legitimate unless you're playing for money.
I hope this helps improve your score. It may not make you a better golfer, but so what...