The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    What is wrong with this weather? Last year at this time the missus and I were wearing two pairs of long johns each. This year I had to get my shorts and sun tan lotion out of storage. This doesn't have anything to do with global warming, does it?

    —Bernard in Bernalillo
     

Dear Bernard,

A lot of folks here used to live in the east coast, or even worse, in the mid-west.  When they see a letter like yours they wonder what is wrong with a person who complains about warm weather in November and December. There are two reasons why it’s warmer this year than last year.  One is El Pinto, which is just like El Niño, except that it’s even a bigger ship of Columbus’.  El Pinto isn’t a weather condition, it’s just that when that restaurant makes their special green chili sauce, it warms up the entire Rio Grande Valley for months. The other reason for the heat is, just as you predicted, global warming caused by all the hairspray used by people who go to casinos in New Mexico. All their hairspray, combined with their oxygen tanks, drive the temperature up at least 5 degrees.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle,

    Hey Duff, I saw a bumper sticker yesterday at the Merc which confused me.  It said that “There’s a village in Texas who is missing its idiot”. What in the world does that mean?

    Confused on Alto Court

 

Dear confused,

Don’t you get vertigo up there on Alto Court?  I don’t know what that bumper sticker is referring to…I’m sure it has nothing to do with current national politicians who came from Texas. That would be disrespectful, and I would be outraged.  Maybe it refers to the democrat state legislators who had to hide in Duke City to avoid being illegally gerrymandered out of their district seats by the folks “across the aisle”.  Maybe it refers to the Education pundits in Texas who decided to round down pi to 3.0 because 3.14 was too confusing to Texas children. Maybe it’s all about the other Texas Education folks who, along with the “brain-trusts” in AZ and NM, want evolution to be taught only as a lesser alternative to creationism.   There’re any number of villages in Texas in desperate search for their idiot.

—UD


    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Is asteroid a dirty word? I heard my mom tell my dad the other day that he couldn't tell his asteroid from a hole in the ground. And dad was all red in the face and pretty mad.

    —Timmy
    Sandia Heights

 

Dear Timmy,

What your mom was really talking about were all the donkeys and mules in Sandia Heights. She was saying that your dad can’t tell the donkeys (which are also called asses) from some of the large arroyos in your neighborhood. Dad was probably all red from the special medicine (Jack Daniels) he has to take when he and your mom, who love each other very much Timmy, have minor disagreements. As to your specific question about asteroids, you have them confused with hemorrhoids. They both have to do with Uranus, but that is Charlie Christmann’s and the Night Skies department.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My husband of 30 years just filed for Social Security benefits today. He's only 62 and I told Leroy he's crazy. If he waits until he is 65 he will get a lot more money. He says get it while you can love. What does he mean by that?

    —Confused in Ranchos

Dear Confused in Ranchos

(Isn’t everyone confused in Ranchos?),

Leroy sees what’s happening in the world, and is preparing for the next U.S. preemptive strike – perhaps against Lichtenstein where they have “water pistols of mass destruction”. Leroy knows that we can’t keep functioning when everyone in the rest of the world hates us. Leroy has probably read The Decline of the Roman Empire, and you might wish to read it too. As to your comment that Leroy wants to get it while he can love…hmmm.  Hopefully he can continue to love you for years and years. My grandpa was able to “love” even after he was 100 years old. He died by getting kicked in the head by a horse he was about to have a “relationship” with, if you catch my drift. I remember singing that Mr. Ed song at his moving funeral … “A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless you try intercourse. And now he’s Mister Dead”. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Why don't people like pack rats. Our neighbors have a family of them under their house and I think they are adorable. Jack, our neighbor puts poison out which I retrieve in the dark of night and put in the trash. Jack was all in a huff because the pack rats chewed through the wiring on his pickup truck. But then, what does he expect when he leaves his car parked next to the log pile all the time?

    —Susie St. Francis
    Corrales

Dear Susie,

I don’t know if you realize what’s happening here. You’ve become the pack rat. You go to Jack’s house in the middle of the night and then you take out the poison. Do you leave something in its place, like an old key or a token redeemable only at the Ice House adult club on I-25? You should.  However, you do bring up a good point.  Those log piles are breeding grounds for all sorts of vermin and they have been known to start a lot of Corrales fires when they’re stacked next to the house. Speaking of “stacked next to the house” do you have any extra tokens for the Ice House adult club on I-25?

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have the same problem every year, and that is what to get my mother-in-lay Helen (I call her hell on wheels) for Christmas. Every year I buy her something that I myself would love to receive, and every year like clockwork, she takes it back and exchanges it for some sleazy thing. Last year, for example, I bought her a computerized game of mah jong. I would have killed for that myself. And what did Helen of Troy do? She exchanged it for a 3-volume CD set of the best of Andrea Bocelli! This year I'm thinking of just giving her a bag of horse manure. What do you think I should  do?

    —Perplexed in Placitas

 

Dear Perplexed,

I agree that you should buy her a bag of horse manure, but I’d suggest a designer bag, which I believe she’d appreciate. Since she likes Andrea Bocelli, why not get her some more CD’s of that person – whomever he or she is. I used to have a mother-in-law (before she kicked) who never appreciated anything. I solved the problem by buying her a cemetery plot at the Eternal Park on San Mateo. The next year I told her I wasn’t getting her anything because she didn’t use the grave I got her last year. That worked for 10 years until she finally took the gas pipe and now uses that very thoughtful gift I bought her a decade earlier.

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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