The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Hey Duff,

    I hear that this country is, like, divided into two groups – the red states and the blue states.  What does this mean?  Which group do you prefer?

    —Daisy
    Ranchos

Dear Daisy,

Here’s a simple answer – the red states are the dumb ones in the middle of the country. The blue states are the smart ones on both coasts and in the mid-west. Remember, even in most red states, Bush only got a little over half of the votes (or maybe less depending on which republican machine was used to “count” or eliminate bad votes).  So not all people in the red states are morons – most but not all – and not all people in the blue states are intelligent – most but not all.  New Mexico is a purple state in that it really went 50 – 50. The people who voted for Bush didn’t give him a mandate, they’re either rich and want to protect their money or they’re poor and stupid. Many people took advice from their pastors or priests or rabbis and voted for Bush.  Shame on them – it’s a violation of church and state which used to be important in this country.  We deserve this vacuous idiot.  Let’s see if he ever gives a press conference with questions he hasn’t screened ahead of time and he can’t use his ear transmitter to get the answers. 

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Marge and I have been dating for two years now. We are both in our 60s and both lost our spouses in the last five years. We have been thinking of getting married because we both get along really famously and love to do the same things. But there is one thing that bothers me very much.

    For the 30 years I was married to Ruth, my first wife, I always slept on the right side of the bed. As it turns out, Marge also slept on the right side of the bed all the time she was married. There is no way either of us could ever feel comfortable sleeping on the left side of the bed. What are we going to do?

    —Tom P.
    Ranchitos

     

Dear Tom P.

This IS a serious problem. I recommend that you get one of the beds like Hugh Heffner has. It’s round and has no sides. Then you both can sleep at right-angles on diameters which just meet in the apex, if you catch my meaning. The other option is that you get a big dog and let him sleep on the right side, so both of you will be forced to sleep on the left. After a few years you’ll get used to it, although it sounds like you don’t have a few years left.  By the way, how did you lose your spouses? To have lost one spouse is quite sad, but to have lost two spouses is just downright careless.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I'm deeply confused. I've always prided myself as a good Christian who believes in the well being of all people, especially those less fortunate than myself. I go to church once a week and pray every night. What confuses me is the people who have been elected to public office recently on the strength of their "moral values". What am I missing here? These people don't seem to possess either. They are loud, and greedy, arrogant and hubristic. Am I out of touch or are there people just hiding their true feelings behind this term, moral values?

    —Joseph
    Bernalillo

Dear Joseph,

I love your coat of many colors…see I read the bible too.  It’s sad that much of Christianity has been taken over by mean-spirited, gay-bashing, hate-mongers.  Luckily, a large percentage of Christians (probably over 50% - maybe) are embarrassed by this new mean group, and they’ve distanced themselves from the fire-brands and other non-thinkers.  Christianity, just like you ascribe to Joseph, does believe in the well being of those less fortunate.  A true Christian, just like a true member of other churches, synagogues, or even non-believers, are very concerned about the plight of the less-fortunate in the world. When these people see a hungry man, they offer food or a way for him to earn food. When the mean-spirited Christians see the hungry man they just ask “why don’t you get off your butt and get a job?”.  I saw a bumper sticker which says it all “Jesus, save me from your followers!” Many of our most “religious” politicians have no sense of moral values, in spite of what they profess. They sicken me. The best thing is when they all get caught with their pants down.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I know you try to avoid politics, but something is troubling me very much. I see our president on television telling the world that our nation loves freedom and democracy and that we want to bring this same freedom and democracy to the rest of the world. To my mind, one of the greatest freedoms we have in this fine nation is the freedom of speech where you and I can say whatever we want to say without fear of being persecuted by the government like we might be in a dictatorship or Fascist government. And yet, as I see it, the president and his followers have no tolerance of anyone who does not agree with them 100%. For example, you could not attend one of the president's stump speeches unless you signed a loyalty oath. And on the rare occasions when the president does hold a press conference, the questions have to be submitted a week in advance so he can decide which questions he wants to answer. Does this sound like someone who loves freedom and democracy?

    —Frank L.
    Corrales

 

Very Frank comment, Frank.

I usually do try to avoid politics, but as you can see by the first letters, I’m still reeling from last month’s election. Yeah, I thought those loyalty oaths were frightening also.  Certainly not in the spirit of our nation’s founding. I don’t want to go near Monticello or Mount Vernon or anywhere a true patriot is buried. I figure Washington and Adams and Jefferson and Hamilton and Franklin are all spinning in their graves so badly that it would be dangerous to walk by their tombs. As to Bush’s press conferences, they’re a joke – just like he is. But I blame the Washington Press.  They’re so scared they let him get away with his tantrums and non-answers. Feat not, Frank, the pendulum will swing back after Bush screws up the country totally.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Do you have nieces and nephews? Or is Uncle Duffy just a title you have
    assigned yourself?

    —Darcy
    Placitas Heights

 

Dear Darcy,

Yes, yes, and yes. My brother had a set of twins he named Denise and Denephew. I am really an uncle.  But am I a Duffy? Or maybe I’m an aunt.  I might be a lady.  Come to my lectures and I’ll tell you everything.

    —UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Where do snakes go in the winter? And what do they do there?

    David G.
    Windmill Trail

Dear David G,

Snakes in winter hibernate into the houses of congress and the White House.  There they can have their hissy-fit in peace and sleep while Rome burns. No seriously David. I’m glad you asked that question, since you live in that no man’s land Windmill Trail.  Most snakes, at least all the poisonous ones such as the diamondback rattler and the Gabon viper all slither up to homes in Windmill Trail and sleep in hot tubs or just in various ovens in the homes. They’re really “home on the range”.  I’d open your oven door slowly if I were you. And certainly don’t turn it on, it just enrages them.

—UD
 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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