Sandoval Signpost

 

An independent monthly newspaper serving the community since 1988
  My Wife and Times
 
Daniel Will Harris

The Sandoval Signpost (Web edition) is pleased as punch (diet punch that is) to bring you the humor and insightful human observations of Daniel Will Harris, author of My Wife and Times. —Ed].

 

Santa Sans Suit (or How I Gave Santa The Shirt Off My Back)

By Daniel Will Harris

Twas a night very much like this
in a town very much like your own. 
When a fellow we all know as Kris
Should be sitting on some velvet throne.

But Kringle's too busy this time of year, 
to stand ringing bells or sit spreading cheer, 
so guys like me with goodwill towards tots, 
don Santa suits, so hot we could plotz.

I got in this biz, one year--long ago
When a nice lady said, "Hey, regular Joe"
I noticed you shake like a bowl full of jelly
We need you to stand in for Santa's soft belly.

I took no offense, well, OK, just a little 
I said, "maybe yes," but was quite noncommittal.
Then she hit me with this, "Listen here,
Without you there won't be a Santa this year."

Not being an ogre I had to accept
But I worried at Santa I'd be quite inept
So I studied real hard till I felt fully prepped
And into the suit I silently crept.

But this year was different--no red did I see 
No white fur or black boots or beard there for me
No one had thought it, no one had brought it
As a wanna-be Santa I was quite distraught, it 
could all be for naught it, was sucking quite bad to be me.

Then from the Xerox there arose such a clatter
I looked up from my plight to see what was the matter,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear:
a guy with a white beard, standing right here.

I saw the light (from the copy machine),
As it lit up his face like you've always seen
His cheeks were so rosy, his smile was so bright
That he could play Santa, it just felt so right.

I asked him, he smiled and firmly said "no,
I'm much, much too busy, I've somewhere to go"
I pleaded and nagged, I looked like I'd weep
I acted so hard, you might call me "Streep."

He sighed, then relented, got into the part
And soon he presented a beautiful heart
He said, "I played Santa in old Bethlehem,"
And I believed him, this guy was a gem.

I gave him my sweater with reindeer all over
It went on, inspiring a story of Rover
The dog made some crimes and then misdemeanors
on his suit, which then had to go to the cleaners.

The Elf Cleaners had claimed it had raised such a reek
They wouldn't be finished till maybe next week.
Mrs. Claus never known to be much of a fretter
Said, "It's better, my dear, to wear this nice sweater."

Then he let loose, with a huge "ho, ho, ho!"
Which made me produce a "woah, baby, woah!" 
The room just fell silent, the kids were all mute
And I was concerned they were missing the suit

But they let out a cheer like they'd just seen a friend 
And I knew my career here had come to an end.
"Hey Pablo, Maria, and Bobby and Ann,"
He knew all their names, was it part of some plan?

They sat in his lap and they talked in his ear
To them he was Santa, yes that much was clear.
Not one toddler cried, not one pre-schooler screamed
The parents all eyed him like something they'd dreamed.

They all were enthralled, but then cookies called
As Santa wished everyone well.
They toddled and crawled to cider (so-called)
With a warm feeling now of Noel.

"I was so smart to find him," I thought to myself
If I was just shorter I could be elf!
Before I could thank him he just disappeared
For someone so jolly it seemed kind of weird.

I went outside to find him, and through the thick fog
The sight that I saw left me simply agog.
First he faded away, then I heard a sleigh's bells ring
And way up in the sky I saw, well, yes, something...

"It simply can't be," I thought with a sigh
As my inner-kid said, "Kid, you cannot deny
That it's red and it's flashing up there in the sky."
So I smiled and I waved him a happy "goodbye."

First here, then gone, then on the ascent.
Believe it or don't, that's just how it went.
That's my tale, I don't mean to deceive
It's what I saw, and what I believe.


My Wife and Times Cover

 

If you would like to read more fabulous stories, you need Daniel Will Harris’s My Wife and Times. The 148 page book contains stories that are conveniently short, perfect for bedtime reading, or between airport friskings. Price: $15 postpaid and is available for purchase online at will-harris.com/schmoozeletter/or on Amazon.com.

 
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