The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    In your last month’s article you had a letter from a reader who was caught in his car at La Bajada for hours and had to pee into a Styrofoam cup.  Doesn’t your reader know that it’s not biodegradable?  I hope he will soon become sytro-free.

    Sincerely,

    —FD, Bay Area

Dear FD,

I thank you for your excellent feedback. I didn’t know that my column was read in the Bay Area. Which Bay? San Francisco? Bay of Pigs? Bay of Las Huertas? Of course Uncle Duffy agrees with you totally regarding non-biodegradable plastics such as Styrofoam. I do know that when I drink ice tea at a restaurant, and I ask for a “to go” glass, I won’t use Styrofoam because the lemon in my tea reacts with Styrofoam. So, I don’t use it myself. But, faithful reader, cut the guy a little slack. He was in a three hour traffic tie-up and all he could think about was his bladder which was going to burst. Me, I would’ve peed in my pants – in fact I just did.  Third time today. But, maybe he was one of those sensitive guys who didn’t want to turn his car into a latrine. Takes all kinds, eh?

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    You have been very helpful to me in the past and thanks to you, Bruno, Eric, Ramon, George, and Philip are no longer part of my life. But my question this month is my new true love, Ernest. As you always say, Ernest is a keeper and so I am doing everything I can to keep him, if you get my drift. But what troubles me is Ernest does not have a job. He says he is too smart and that employers resent this and that is why they fire him after 2 or 3 days (his record is 10 days, but his boss was on vacation). Anyway, Ernest loves to go to the casinos and while he does not win or lose a lot of money, he insists on buying drinks for all the young ladies and makes it seem as if he is spending his money. I get jealous sometimes and then Ernest gets mad and says if I don't like him just the way he is, I should get someone else. Do you think he means this? Or is he just bluffing.

    Your humble servant,

    —Gloria

Dear Gloria, (Love that song G – L – O – RIA…Gloria!!!!!),

You’re one of my most loyal readers and writers. I’m glad I’ve been able to help with Bruno, Eric and the rest of the scum-heads you seem to find. Have you ever thought about meeting men in a different location – one where drinks are not sold by the barrel? Just asking? Ernest is a keeper, if you like him the way he is, a gambling, drinking, lecherous, womanizer. But, heck, no one’s perfect. If you insist on doing everything you can to keep him  - and I do catch your drift…you’re as subtle as a neocon laughing at a homeless person… then why not accompany him to the casinos and have him buy the drinks for you? As to his job record. Pretty impressive. I hope you have a huge bank account, and I’m sure Ernest will be happy with you until you’re maxed out on your credit cards and your credit line is shot. Invite me to the wedding.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    The election of George W. Bush and the increase of conservatives in both houses was attributed to moral values. Fair enough. But where are the moral values in spending $50 million for the inauguration balls and related festivities while our troops are being killed and maimed daily because this administration has not yet fulfilled its promise to provide body armor and vehicle armor. And while the families of the troops putting their lives on the line every day struggle to make ends meet?

    The amount being spent to inaugurate George W. Bush far exceeds the original amounts pledged by his administration to aid the victims of the tsunami. Where are the moral values in that? More importantly, where is the righteous indignation of all these people of moral values who elected this president? Or are they too shocked by what they have done in the name of moral values, that they cannot speak

 

Dear Unsigned,

Wow, what a great letter. You know, our average readership is under 1000 hits a day. In fact it’s under 100,000 hits a day. Why, it’s been known to be under one million hits a day. You should consider publishing that letter in a slightly different venue – like Hod-Carriers  Monthly or whatever. In the meantime, of course it’s obscene. I may irritate the few readers I have who ascribe to the neocon philosophy, but I have to say that there’s no surprises here. I heard George W. Bush comment on the Tsunami, and I swear he couldn’t even pronounce it. He kept saying T.T. TeeSunami. George, the T is silent or at least not pronounced like a hard T. Their moral values are only for themselves, I’m afraid. To not criticize the president (as I also did Clinton when he lied) is morally despicable, but it’s what the administration wants – a lot of yes men and yes woman. Remember the balance of power? Sure would look good right now!

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I am really worried about Social Security. My husband Tom and I are about to retire and will start to draw Social Security when we do. But the way this current administration is going, giving all these tax cuts to the wealthy and running up these incredible deficits, I don't think there is going to be anything left in another few years. Am I paranoid?

    Nancy R.
    Placitas

Dear Nancy R,

No sweat on your social security. As soon as the president gets you to invest all your future money in the stock market (surprisingly helping all the loyal Wall Street brokers) you’ll be rich rich rich. Luckily the market only goes up – and way up, so you’re at absolutely no risk to your nest-egg. I mean has there ever been a year when the market went down? I don’t think so, if you don’t count 2001, 2002, 2003, etc. Lots of luck, Nancy. I hope you like dog food.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Happy New Year! Perhaps you can explain this to me as I am having a heck of a time wrapping my mind around it. The new year is 2005, but refer to this as the 21st century. Shouldn't it be the 20th century? And someone said we are in our 6th year of the 21st century. Shouldn't it be the fifth year of the 20th century?

    Thanks for your help,

    Poor Richard
    Rolling Ranchos Estates

Dear Poor Richard (love your almanac),

Yes I was always confused when the Mickey Mouse Club Mousketeers used to say that they were playing to the leaders of the 21st Century. I guess it’s because the first 100 years AD, were the first century, so they had to keep going. It always confuses me too, like when someone says that I have 18 century values, I have to think hard before I realize that those bumbleheads are referring to the 1700’s.  Speaking of the Mickey Mouse Club… how about that Annette Funicello. I dreamed about her all the time.  Darlene wasn’t bad, and I think Bobby was a fruitcake (nothing wrong with that), and he ended up dancing on the Lawrence Welk Show – which I of course never watched. But that Annette. She sure looked good in her ears. I never did look at her ears. Why one day I envisioned that I was on the beach with her, after beating the snot out of Bobby Darin or whoever that guy was with her all the time, and then we lay on the sand and and… and I read to her from my future Uncle Duffy columns.

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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