The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

Ask Uncle Duffy

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Can sibling rivalry exist into adulthood? I mean, Uncle Duffy, do I have to accept and like a sibling just because he or she is family.

    Boca Raton Resident (via the Internet)

 

Dear Boca,

You’re our first letter from the great state of Florida. Some of the greatest fights in history have been fights between brothers or sisters - i.e. Ann Landers vs. Abigail VanBuren, George vs. Jeb Bush, Ghenges vs. Silvia Khan, The Menendez boys, etc.  In fact, two of history’s most noted siblings, Madeleine the Hun and Attila the Hun, didn’t speak for 30 years until Madeleine sang that song to him “gimme a little kiss will you Hun”. Sibling rivalry is a problem for most people. UD suggests that you do what I did. I planted some “stuff” on my brother, called the narcs and he’s still serving time in the Algodones Correctional Facility on I-25. Mom likes me better these days.

    —UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    If you don't mind my asking, whose uncle are you anyway? When I was very young, there was this nice man who came to visit my mother when daddy was away on business trips and mommie called him Uncle Bob but I don't really think we were related to him. And mommie said not to mention it to daddy because his side of the family did not like her side of the family. And she was sure he did not like Uncle Bob. Are we related?

    Wondering on Windmill Road

Dear Wondering,

Everyone calls me Uncle Duffy, even if I’m not related to them. That’s because I give candy and treats to all the children in the neighborhood. However, unlike my Uncle Ralphy – currently serving time at Rikers – that’s all I give to the kids.

Now, as to your specific question, you may not be related to Uncle Bob, but some of your brothers or sisters may be related to him – paternally speaking. Actually, don’t be so hard on your mom (although that may have been Uncle Bob’s job), because she was probably pretty lonely while your dad was gone so long. Hey, you didn’t live near the covered bridges of Madison County did you?

    —UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I’m from the East Coast originally. What’s with the local TV news people? They’re neurotic about useless local stories which are only news because their loser camera-person was nearby when something trivial happened.  And then they say “news you’ll only hear on this channel” or “an exclusive story”. Don’t those morons realize that no one cares if we heard some trivial garbage on their station, or that their pathetic station told us something first?

    Fed up

     

Dear Fed up,

The missus and I have a system. The second we hear one of those folks whom you call morons but I prefer to call “news-morons”, say that you’ll only hear a story on their station, we know that it’s really not newsworthy. Then we race to the remote to see who could change the channel. I don’t know why they think anyone cares if they bring us late-breaking news first. They’re really quite sad, actually. The other pathetic features in the local news are those “ambush reporters” who pounce on some minor local occurrence (i.e. “we saw the mayor park for 3 minutes without putting money in a meter”) as if it’s important. We never watch those idiotic features either. Hey, watch the national news and read a newspaper to get local news. You want to know the local weather?  Here it is…”it’s nice outside”…that’s why you moved to New Mexico.

    —UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    When Jasper and I moved to New Mexico from Sandusky, Ohio three years ago, the first thing we did was to get our New Mexico license plates (the DVM says you have to do this within one month--we did it the first week). There are three or four families in our community that have been there a long time and they all have Texas license plates. Am I missing something here? Is New Mexico a suburb of Texas?

    —Sandusky to Sandia

 

Dear Sandusky,

Many of our fine brethren of New Mexico also have some kind of a hovel in Texas and say they live there so they don’t have to pay our punitive state income tax. Uncle Duffy’s advice – turn ‘em in. Maybe the DVM will give you a reward. Maybe not. And, no, all of New Mexico is not a suburb of Texas.  The only exception to that is that Tucumcari is indeed a suburb of Amarillo and Las Cruces is the upscale rural outgrowth of El Paso.

—UD

     

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My husband Frank spends a lot of time on his computer surfing the Internet (I don't even know how to turn on the computer myself). Frank says he is checking our portfolio or getting the latest scores and weather which is nice. But whenever I come into the room Frank switches the screen off and gets very abrupt with me. Once, when he did not hear me walk into the room, I thought I saw part of a young blond girl on his screen but as I did not have my glasses on I cannot be sure. Is Frank really getting the scores and weather and checking our portfolio?

    —Suspicious

 

Dear Suspicious,

Sounds like Frank may be doing a bit more than checking your portfolio. Or maybe he’s not. So, my advice…leave the guy alone and do not, repeat do not, learn how to use the computer yourself. This next comment is for Frank… Dear Frank, you don’t need to switch off the screen when you’re interrupted - if you get my drift. MSN has a toggle switch you can use to immediately toggle between your “good stuff” and the portfolio junk. Just go to tools menu, and click “toggle”. You’re most welcome.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    It’s my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for 10 years, but I’m getting the sense that she doesn’t want to see me anymore. Last week when I came by she wouldn’t let me in her trailer. There was a strange car there but she didn’t explain it. Last night I came over and saw a cigar in her garbage. I don’t think she smokes cigars, but she said she wouldn’t talk about it and that I should leave.

    —Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,

You’re getting a “sense” that she doesn’t want to see you anymore? Sharp as a tack, my man! The car was clue number one, the cigar was clue number two and the fact that she didn’t want to talk about it, and asked you to leave is clue number three. When she hits you over the head with a baseball bat, will that be clue number four? Saddle up and ride into the sunset, it’s over. It’s over.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    You’re my last hope. I’m a very short 17 year-old, but I really want to make it big in the National Basketball Association. I should tell you that I’m only 4’6” tall and I recognize that that’s a problem for the NBA where the average height is 6’10”. Still, I want to do it, in spite of discouragement from my parents, friends, teachers etc.  As I said, you’re my last hope. Do you think I can make it in the big leagues?

    —Small but Mighty

 

Dear Small,

No.

—UD


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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