The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I’m Jewish.  Okay, I don’t run around telling folks, but the fact is that I am.  I have a very Semitic (Jewish) sounding name, so it only takes about 5 minutes of speaking with new folks before they realize my ethnic heritage. Plus I guess I talk with my hands, and use phrases like “we should live and be well, tattela”. Anyway, most of my neighbors here in Bernalillo don’t know what they should say to me at Thanksgiving time or Christmas or any holiday like New Year’s Day. They don’t want to offend me by wishing me a Happy New Year or a Happy Halloween or whatever.  Duffy, how can I get people to stop being so sensitive, and to treat me like an equal.

    —Semitic in Bernalillo

 

Dear Semitic in Bernalillo,

People do mean well, and that’s really what counts. Folks just don’t seem to realize that you and all of you heebs are just like us, almost. That’s a joke, by the way. I’ve got more Jewish relatives in my family than Paris Hilton has conquests, and I treat them as equals. I guess that many Christians tend to forget that our savior was Jewish, even if he did have a Puerto Rican name. So lighten up, and just recognize that people are trying to be oh so politically correct and not offend. Sort of like calling “bums” the “homeless” rather than the smelling low lives they are. By the way, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and have a heck of a Hannukah.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Where I live in Juniper Hills, there’s this annoying house that has two dogs that bark all day long.  All day long. I don’t know if the owner knows or cares one way or the other. I find myself hating those dogs, but I really should hate the owners since the dogs are just, you know, dogs. What can I do, Duff?

    —Sleepless on Windmill Trail

 

Dear Sleepless,

I guess the first thing to do is discuss this with the inconsiderate slobs who own the dogs. My feelings also are that they really don’t care, otherwise the dogs would have been trained to not bark all day. So, since I love dogs, I think you either have to ignore the sound or send constant letters to the owners.  It’s tough when neighbors are pigs, and I feel for you. Have you thought of moving?

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Well, you and your liberal buddies were saying that there were no weapons of mass destruction, and that my hero, Bush, would never get Saddam. Ha ha, Duffbag, they got Saddam and it won’t be long before he tells us where the weapons are hidden. So, now what, Duffy? Who are you going to pick on now? Rush rules!!

    —Compassionate Conservative

 

Dear Compassionate.

Yes, you sound very compassionate. Perhaps you’ve been popping some of the pills which your hero Limbaugh has been making his maid get for him illegally. I never said the US wouldn’t get Saddam Hussein. In fact I’m delighted that we did. All I want is to save American soldiers’ lives. As to weapons of mass destruction, other than his lice, what did they find? I just want our soldiers to stop being shot at over there. Then I’ll be happy. As to Bush, he’ll probably win the election in 2004, which would make it the first national election he really did win.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I'm confused. There are 365 days to a year, right? And we have 12 months with some months having 30 days and some having 31 days and February having 27 or 28, right? 30 days hath September, April June and I can't remember? I mean, how dumb is that? Why not make it 10 months with each month having 36 and 1/2 days. Wouldn't that be easier than this current calendar system that makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever?

    —Bob P.

 

Dear Bob,

It IS confusing, especially for pea-brains. In fact there used to be 10 months, and then some guy added a few middle months for Julius and Augustus Caesar (see if you can figure out which months, braintrust!). And, no, Sid Caesar was not their grandson, by the way. The current calendar, with the two additional months, was brought to us by Pope Gregory (no relation to the hair-treatment folks). It’s less confusing than having half days. I mean, if you had to add half days to the calendar, what would that do to your time off at Burger King or wherever you work, Bobby?

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    We have a Roadrunner that hangs out at our house. Actually there are two, a Mr. and Mrs. I believe--though I cannot be sure. I think they are charming. They are so nosey. They come right up to the window and look in. My husband and I get a big kick out of this. But the problem is, whenever one or both of these Roadrunners do this, our Canary, Larry (we call him Larry the Canary-it's a joke, you know?) anyway, where was I. Oh yes, whenever one or both of these birds looks in the window, our Canary Larry, (did I just say that?) Larry falls to the floor of his cage (did I mention Larry's cage is in the window--on the other side of the Roadrunners) and Larry's heart starts beating and he hyperventilates. Is this because he is physically attracted to the Roadrunners? My husband and I think this is so cute. Next summer when it is warmer, we're thinking of putting Larry's cage outside the window so he and the Roadrunners can get to know each other better.

    —Marty and Beth
    Los Ranchos

Dear Marty and Beth,

Yes, let Larry the Canary loose with roadrunners. They ain’t as cute as you see in the cartoons. They love to eat small birds. Old Larry will have a new name in 2 minutes “Shredded Tweet”.  I think Larry gets it. Too bad you fine Los Ranchos types don’t get it. Hey, why not hire out Wiley Coyote, and he can bring his Acme gunpowder and fuses, and maybe blow up the State Birds.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My girl friend, Shauna, says we are too young to have sex and that we have to wait until we are older. I really love Shauna and think we might even get married someday. (I'm having a commitment issue). Anyway, what do you think? Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm 35 and Shauna is 34 (if that makes any difference?)

    —Name withheld by request

 

Dear Name Withheld,

Shauna sounds like a “keeper” to me. You might want to remind her, however, that it’s more fun to have sex when you don’t have to delay it until you get your teeth out of the glass jar next to the bed.  I’m surprised you have, as you wrote, a commitment issue.  I think both of you should be committed.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My wife and I went to a matinee at the Century 21 theaters last week. (We saw that movie with Jack Nicholson and what's her name, the goofy woman who wore all those silly outfits in Annie Hall). I can't even remember the name of the movie although we enjoyed it. Ah, Diane Keaton, that's who the other star was. (By the way, is it me, or has Jack Nicholson really porked out?) Anyway, it was really cold and even though we got there a few minutes before opening time, they kept us waiting out in the cold for about 20 minutes. By the time they opened the doors, there were about 30 angry people behind us who were about ready to knock the doors down. (There were plenty of people inside the lobby doing a bunch of mindless tasks, like mopping the floor, but shouldn't they have done all that earlier?). Why would they do that?

    —Ester and Chester
    Dancing Petroglyph Estates

 

Dear Ester and Chester,

I’ll respond to this letter and the one below it together.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I forgot to mention in my last letter. We went to another movie at that theater complex on Indian School Road and Tramway. When we got into the theater they had some commercials on and the sound was so loud that is was painful. I made Chester go up to the front and ask them to turn the sound down. They did. About one click. It was so terrible we finally got up and demanded a refund which they gave us but not cheerfully. Is it just us? My ears are still ringing from the sound.

    Esther and Chester
    Dancing Petroglyph Estates

Dear Ester and Chester,

I would like to respond to your first letter re Century 21 Theaters, and at the same time to your second question about the other theater complex.

Here’s the deal. These theaters hire idiots so they don’t have to pay them very much. They don’t train them, they never ever tell them to consider the customer. If the customer is cold or if the customer doesn’t like having the sound at 1000 decibels (louder than a jet taking off at the Sunport), that’s just tough. The average customer, not you guys Ester and Chester, are morbidly obese morons who don’t even know that they’re supposed to be treated properly. They’ll stand in lines for hours. They’ll buy tubs of grease-laden popcorn, drink carboys of coke, sit in the oversized seats, which theaters have to provide for their lard-asses, and watch any junk the studios think they’ll be stupid enough to sit through.  They’ll talk at the top of their lungs, since their hearing has been impaired by the movie trailers, and they’ll chat on their cell phones with other imbeciles. Hey, we deserve to be treated so poorly. You don’t like it? Stop going, like I did, and wait until you can see the flicks in the privacy of your homes.

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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