The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dearest Uncle Duffy,

    I’m a senior citizen who lives in Bernalillo. I’ve not seen my problem in your incredibly wonderful thought-provoking insightful outstanding super brilliant column, but I am concerned about it so I thought I’d write to you. Why, I bet you’re handsome and very charismatic. My problem is that a lot of stuff you buy these days comes in very thick plastic wrapping, and I can’t open them. I spend about half my day trying to tear apart the plastic sheets surrounding my purchases, whether the purchase is just a bunch of pens, or a computer cartridge or whatever. What can I do about it?

    —Old person in Bernalillo.

Dear Old,

Hey, I like the way you write. You must be brilliant yourself to note how brilliant I am. And, yes I’m quite handsome and charismatic. Just ask my wives or my girlfriends or my masseuses. Your problem IS a concern for everyone, not just senior citizens. When I go to a place like the Home Despot (or whatever it’s called) or Bloodbath and Beyond (or whatever it’s called), and when I purchase something, I make them open it up before I leave the store. That way, when I have to return it, since 50% of the junk doesn’t work anyway, they will take it back since they were the gorillas who ripped the packaging to shreds. Good luck, my friend.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Last week I was stuck on I-25 by La Bajada for 3 hours.  Well, I really had to take a whiz, and finally just did it into a Styrofoam cup that I had with me. The old lady in the car next to me seemed disgusted by it, but she couldn’t seem to stop watching. What’s a guy to do when nature calls and we’re stuck in traffic because of an accident or snow or someone jumping off the San Mateo overpass bridge?

    —Peed off in Algodones

Dear Peed off,

You think it was hard for you? Just imagine if you were a woman.  They can’t just pee into a styrofoam cup as easily as guys can (I’m assuming you’re a guy). It IS a problem. I’m thinking of patenting a special driver’s urinary catheter for those situations when you’re stuck in traffic for a long period of time. I know what you’re thinking… you don’t particularly relish the idea of catheterizing yourself. Okay, then just pee in your pants like I do.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I read that Placitas voters overwhelmingly voted for John Kerry in the last election(Kerry 56% to Bush 43%), even though the state may have gone for W (assuming no major voter fraud, which is a big assumption). Is it okay for us to say that we gave Kerry a mandate?

    —Pleased in Placitas

Dear Pleased,

Don’t you read my columns? Last month I said I’d never mention that guy who ran against W again. As to voter fraud… deal with it and go about your life. We’ll all survive the next 4 years, even if the US does decide to do a preemptive strike on East Timor, Lichtenstein and Andorra.  Me, I’m even thinking of firing my illegal alien nanny.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    If you had a cat and you called her Fluffy, would she be Fluffy Duffy?

    —Agelina
    Corrales

Dear Angelina,

You must be psychic or really do know me. I DID have a cat called Fluffy Duffy once.  Sad story… She once got huffy because I fed her Orange Roughy, so I sent her to a taxidermist and now she’s Stuffy Fluffy Duffy. She’s right on my desk in front of me. I like to look at her to get inspiration – sort of like a cat-a-tonic.

—UD (no more pussy-footing around)

 

    Uncle Duffy,I've read about ENOUGH of the ranting of your liberal, political views in the December issue of the Signpost. I feel that this

    newspaper, like all others, should be nonpartisan. I am, and will maintain my status as an independent voter. The Signpost should not be a springboard for someone's political views. Uncle Duffy should not use this newspaper to air out his personal opinions, even in jest.

    Paul C.
    Placitas

Dear Paul,

I honestly would have printed more letters from people with your viewpoint if they would have written in to me. I totally agree with you that a lot of my stuff, was for the sake of humor, kind of mean-spirited. I used to be independent myself, but clearly now I am partisan. Now, as to which side started the partisan rhetoric, I leave that to you, other than to say I do apologize and your points are well taken.  Do not blame the newspapers where my columns appear – the ones in New Mexico and the out-of-state ones. It would be like C-SPAN not giving a forum for all views. By the way, I recommend you watch Book TV on C-SPAN 2 every weekend. They have progressives and neo-conservatives, and all viewpoints in between in a most balanced forum.

—UD

 

    Heya Duffster,

    Hey, I’m a star football, baseball, basketball, and soccer player in my senior year in high school in the ABQ area, and of course I’ve been taking some “performance enhancing stuff”.  I mean, like, everyone does it. Now I see that they’re criticizing one of those swimmers, and Barry Bonds, my hero because he took that stuff for years. He says he didn’t know, and I believe him. I am a little worried, however, because occasionally my heart rate goes way up, but that’s a little sacrifice I have to make for being the sports star in my high school.  I’m soooo popular that it’s really worth it.  What do you think, Duff?

    —A legend in my school

Dear Legend,

You’ll be a dead legend before you’re 25, I’m guessing.  Rapid heart rate and you still take the stuff. You idiot!!!! Barry Bonds didn’t know? He took stuff that made his biceps bulge and his pectorals grow and his strength increase and he didn’t know?  Move over Pete Rose, we have another pathological liar coming up the ranks. I hope they don’t let HIM into the Hall of Fame either. As to you, Mr. Legend… adios!

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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