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The Sandoval Signpost (Web edition) is pleased
as punch (diet punch that is) to bring you the humor
and insightful human observations of Daniel Will Harris,
author of My
Wife and Times. —Ed]. |
Vacuuming
doesn't have to suck
By Daniel Will Harris
I like to vacuum. Most men do, if they'll admit
to it. There are two reasons why: the first, and most important,
is that it involves a machine with an engine. The second is
that men are visually motivated animals, as can be readily
seen by the magazines we read. Vacuuming is a highly visual
pursuit with the kind of instant gratification we men go for.
I mention this because life is really about how you package
and sell things and ideas. Men normally don't confess to liking
vacuums, but if someone would just package vacuums correctly,
they'd be as macho as sports cars and BBQ grills.
If I were the CEO of a vacuum cleaner company I would revolutionize
male-pattern-vacuuming by introducing the "riding vacuum."
Like the popular "riding lawnmower" this would turn
the vacuuming into a vehicle, thereby ensuring its popularity
with men.
I'm sure they'd be *so* popular that men wouldn't even allow
their female mates to touch the vacuum. "Honey, it's
a sophisticated piece of machinery, better leave it to me."
Following that success, I'd introduce the riding washer/dryer.
In the mean time, we v-men will have to content ourselves
with the biggest, heaviest, loudest silver, red, or black
vacuums we can find, with the magic word "turbo"
in the name.
I also recommend the bag-less "cyclone" models.
First of all, "cyclone" just sounds macho—it
makes me imagine those flying cows in the movie Twister. Next,
as a man, I can say that while men might change the oil in
a vacuum cleaner (if that was possible), we will *never* change
a bag because that smacks of housework. Also, these bag-free
models have big clear windows that show us how much stuff
we've collected and we find this almost embarrassingly exciting.
What can I say, it's a primal thing.
Now, I tend to go overboard with these things, but it works
for me, and might work for you. My black v-machine (sounds
way cooler, doesn't it) has a racing stripe, and a large silver
number on it. Mine is #12, for the amps in the motor. "Amps"
sounds manly, doesn't it? No? Say it with a sneer and it will.
Next, I recommend getting one of those Tyvek jumpsuits (it's
what Fed Ex envelopes are made of). I got mine at the hardware
store and it's supposed to be for painting, but if you stick
on a few sponsor logos, like Valvoline, Pennzoil, and Rogaine,
it becomes a cool (and machine washable) racing suit.
Of course, since you're operating heavy equipment, you should
consider protective eye wear to complete the effect. Avoid
*tinted* goggles, however, as this can lead to collisions
and broken lamps.
One tip for the ladies: Whatever you do, never point out
something a man missed. You might think you are helping him,
but he will inevitably look at it as criticism, get mad, and
very well may never use the v-machine again. I'm *not* kidding
here.
Guys: Once your V's tricked out, if you start to get bored
with flat surfaces, try going off-road—tackle the stairs,
that's a real challenge. And get yourself a stop watch so
you can have time trials and compete to break your own world's
record.
There's a whole untapped market here! I could sell instructions
and cones for setting up indoor courses. I could sell small
colored pieces of fabric that racers have to suck up to prove
they followed the Phase II house-to-house course (complete
with a triathalonic outdoor run segment). Then I can charge
people for memberships, so they can set up their stats online,
and challenge other v-racers to competitions, where the winners
get listed as top seeds and losers are known as "suckers."
I can see this going national, then international, with sponsors
such as Fantom, Dyson, Hoover, Eureka, Dirt Devil and Viagra.
Next come the V-Games. Then all remains is turning it into
an Olympic eligible sport!
You laugh now—but just wait 'till you are watching
the Survivors challenge where they have to vacuum up Roo doo
and the winner gets our new V-Pro model with a built in tent!
It's all how you market it. You can make what you do into
a chore people want to avoid, or a game people look forward
to. And now if you have a great idea it's even easy to get
started, with resources like www.Paypal.com for accepting
credit cards and www.CafePress.com to sell items with your
genius logo on them.
There are lots of opportunities people haven't thought of
yet. And lots of ways to freshen up and expand on things that
seem old and tired. This applies to your site, too, and how
you present your products or services. You can make it all
corporate and dull and boring. Or you can present it in an
*appealing* way that interests people.
Gentlemen, start your vacuums.
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