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ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I really loved Richard Nixon.  He hasn’t been making too many speeches lately – I  bet the commies at the Wall Street Journal and other pinko publications are not printing his stuff.  Anyway, I hear that the guy they called “Debbie Does Dallas” or something, - the guy who lied to those Watermelon-Gate reporters – just surfaced after being underground and hiding from the FBI since 1974.  Now they’ll get him.  What a horrible person to allow the commie Supreme Court to impeachify Nixon. I hope now that he’s caught and tossed in jail, then Pat and Dick can finally be exonerated and live the rest of their lives in peace.  It’ll be good for their daughters, Lynda-Bird and Chelsea too.

    —Head on Straight in Sundance

Dear Head,

Great grasp of the news. Actually they call the guy Deep Throat, and it’s true that he “came out”, but just out of his house. Most people, including me, think he’s a hero.  Oh by the way, Tricky Dicky is now in probably about the 8th canto of Hell right about now, trying to explain to Lucifer that he is “not a crook”. I will give you one thing…I thought that Nixon would be about the worst president in our country’s history, but I was not even close. Nixon was personally evil, but at least he didn’t try to destroy everything like a certain president, whom I won’t name but I can tell you they have a brand of baked beans named after him and it ain’t Heinz.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Here’s a new one for you.  I work in a small office way in the mountains in Placitas.  It’s nothing fancy but it helps me in my job as an actuarial engineer for a large insurance company in New Brunswick.  Yes, I know that insurance company people tend to be jerks, but I’m not one, and besides that’s not why I’m writing to you.  I have this friend who owns a major Placitas business. She and her husband come over to my office occasionally because, as I said, we’re friends, and also because she plays tuba in a local “drum and brass” band that we’re in. Actually she plays Sousaphone and actually she’s not married but has a “partner” if you get what I mean, and actually she and I don’t even like each other one bit and actually my insurance company (actually a sporting goods chain) is in Hoboken not in New Brunswick and I’m not an actuarial engineer but a bookkeeper for them. Whatever… my problem is that my friend (enemy) and her husband (partner) keep bringing over their cats (actually dogs) to my office and they keep peeing on a carpet in my bedroom and on the floor of my bathroom.  She’s offered to pay (actually bring over some cat [dog] deodorant cover-up stuff) but now my office smells like cat (dog) poop (urine).  How can I make her and her husband (partner) pay for damages (cleaning up the stink)?

    —Annoyed (perplexed) in Algodones (I already mentioned that it’s really Placitas) On Sawmill Trail (Actually it’s another “mill” Trail.)

Dear Whatever and Whomever,

Nice job on your letter. I haven’t seen that many parentheses since Bush tried to write a full sentence back in 2003. I would make your friend/enemy come over and pay/clean up the mess and then I’d fill my pockets with huge rocks and hurl myself over a major arroyo and into the Las Huertas Creek.  But, hey, that’s just me.

—UD

 

    Dearest Uncle,

    I’m so proud of our president (so what if he didn’t really win in Ohio, he won in lots of other states) these days.  I mean, he won’t back down on any issue, even if science and logic are against his muddled thinking.  Wow, he even says he’ll veto the stem cell bill (which even Heather voted for in the House). There’s a guy who respects life. He’s consistent, Uncle Duffy, even if you think he’s inconsistent and really really really dumb.

    —Proud in Sundance with lots of jingoistic flags waving

Dear Proud,

I agree that he’s really really really dumb. So we’re in agreement there. I also agree he’s really consistent about the sanctity of life – oh, except for all the Americans and Iraqis and others who have been killed, and continue to be killed, by the lies he said to get us into a war to get even for his father’s humiliation. So he’s really for life – not for adult life, but he’s really for life of discarded embryos. He’s just great. And such a great speaker too.  And he never talks down in that retarded condescending manner of his which physically nauseates intelligent people all over the globe. What goes around, comes around. He’s not just destroying the world, he may actually hurt the moderates in the Republican Party and that would be a shame since I used to be one myself.

—UD

     

    Dear UD, Me and the wife shop sometimes at one of those hobby stores in town. I noticed that there was a sign in their door saying that they close on Sundays so their employees can pray with their families.  Well me and the wife pray on Saturday and isn't it possible that some of their employees pray on other days.

    —Annoyed on Montgomery.

Dear annoyed. No it's likely that they don't have any employees who don't pray on Sundays. I myself,  who on the occasions that I DO pray, do pray on week-days, am totally understanding of how annoying their bigoted statement is. I wouldn't shop in that moronic store.  All they sell anyway is bizarre stuff to be sold only to those who would not shop on Sundays.  

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I just saw a press conference featuring a constantly befuddled president. First I’d like to ask you, uncle, why do people say the press is left wing since the questions are so gentle and they let him off the hook when he clearly lies to them. Like he said “we’re winning” in Iraq, on the same day as there were more casualties than ever. And he says that the torture comments in our base in Cuba were “absurd” when his own people admitted that the abuses did occur. Why does the press sit on its respective hands and duffs?

    —Annoyed even though I fly my American flag with pride

Dear Annoyed,

I too fly the American flag. It’s not jingoism, it’s a love for this country IN SPITE of the person in the oval office. Here’s the press’ problem. The only press person who asked a tough question is Helen what’s-her-name Douglas. She now sits in the back of the room during press conferences and never gets called on again. They’ve got the press petrified. I don’t know if their bias is left or right or both – I suspect both – but I do know that they’re scared to death to ask a tough question. I think they asked tough questions to Clinton, and he looked pretty bad from time to time. I applauded that and I would applaud the same standards to Bush. He shouldn’t be allowed to say that the war is going great – i.e. “mission accomplished”, etc.

—UD.

 

    Whas-up Uncle Duffy?

    A lot of the websites I visit have ads that tell me I should talk to my kids about Marijuana. So I sat down with my son Apollo Moon Rocket and we had a few tokes and discussed the quality of this fine grass I scored from Humbolt County in far out California.

    But my point is this, Marijuana is not addicting. Like it's a stimulant. I mean, like wow, when I'm stoned I get very creative. I tune into the universal beat of life, know what I mean? And when I listen to music on my iPod, its so totally kewel!!! I can hear the really really subtle things that the recording engineer has mixed so low that you would never hear it except when you were high. (The dude must have been high when he mixed it... kind of a private joke between he and me!)

    But where are the ads that say that I should talk to my kids (or my kids should talk to me) about alcohol? Alcohol is very addictive. It's a bummer for your health (and mine too), it rots your liver, and causes a ton of major accidents and deaths on the highway. It's a totally bad trip, no?

    So who are we protecting here?

    —Ben (Solo Nolo Ollo Chollo)
    San Francisco Hills

Dear Ben solo Nolo whatever,

Your note says it all. It was interesting to see that the US Supreme Court has nixed the use of marijuana for medical reasons.  I do feel sorry for the people with vision problems who would be helped with it, but I suspect they’ll get it anyway.  So, wow, man…you hang in there, and I also have the munchies.  Pass the twinkies and the ho-ho’s.

—UD

 

    Hi Uncle Duffy

    It's me, Gloria. If you could see me you might not recognize me. I've been crying and my mascara is running and I look horrible. I don't feel real good either.

    You have probably guessed already that I am crying because Bruce (I know you told me to lose the guy but I didn't listen to you) left me. But that is not why I am crying really. If Bruce left me for a real cute girl, I'd hate his guts but I would get over it. (There's always more fish in the sea). But he left me for another guy!

    Remember Don, the brain-dead guy who wrote you a hundred letters last month? Well he and Bruce are next door neighbors. Don kept coming over to Bruce's house to borrow a cup of sugar. (When all was said and done, he had borrowed about 5 pounds of sugar!). And finally Bruce could not stay in his closet any more and he admitted he was sweet on Don. And Don said, why did Bruce think he (Don) was borrowing so much sugar?! Why me, dear Uncle Duffy?

    Do you think it would make any sense for me to join a convent, Uncle Duffy. I just don't think I can take one more rejection.

    You’re my only friend,
    —Gloria

Hi Gloria,

I was hoping that Bruce would work out, but as you say his sugar trips showed he was “sweet” on Don. Don’t give up, Gloria. You’ll find Mr. Right…I can just feel it. I wouldn’t join a convent yet. (I can just imagine the “don’t ask; don’t tell” rules in convents these days.) Gloria, go back to school. Take a night course. Take some weekend courses. You’ll meet a nice guy…I just know it. Don’t try so hard, don’t be so selective, and next month write to me about some nice guy you met (who may not be all that handsome, may not have a lot of hair, may have a big beer belly…hey it may even be me).

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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