The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Daffey

    Do birds have teeth? My neighbor, Bubba says they do and that he says he has seen them. I say they have not had teeth for a few million years. Who is right?

    —Confused in Corrales

Dear Confused,

I once heard from an un-enlightened friend of mine that birds are the ugliest animals because they have “peckers in the middle of their faces”. They do peck with their bills, but they haven’t needed teeth for a few millennia. My two little parakeets, Tommy and Stevie, didn’t have teeth, but they sure knew how to inflict pain when I was giving them treats from my fingers. I also remember that Tommy bit my first girlfriend when she was trying to give him a kiss. She said that her tongue hurt for days. Oh, and it’s Duffy, not Daffey. You are confused!

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My neighbor creates the most beautiful Native American crafts. They are stunning and I wish I had the money she is asking so I could buy some of her crafts for my home. There is one thing that bothers me, though. My neighbor is not a Native American. Well yes, she was born in America, Sandusky, Ohio to be exact. But she is not an Indian unless Indians now come with blonde hair and blue eyes. My question is: since she is not a Native American, is it wrong for her to be making "Native American" crafts?

    Name withheld by request
    Trails, Placitas

 

Dear Name withheld,

Your name isn’t Melissa, from West Trails Road who lives next to Brigette the craftsperson by any chance? I haven’t seen too many Indians with blonde hair and blue eyes, but who knows. Ever since we all realized how poorly the Indians were treated by the Whites in the 19th century, we’ve all tried to hitch our wagons to the Indian mystique. But I doubt seriously if there’s too many Native Americans left who came out of Sandusky. I’d give her a little leeway on this, and if you want to test the system, try to get her to buy the stuff back from you – see if she’ll be an Indian-giver!

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My husband, Bernard, likes to go out to get the paper in his boxer shorts and undershirt. I don't suppose this would be a problem, but then he stands out there in front of the house for all our neighbors to see reading the scores from last night's ball game. My next door neighbor Mindy has commented on it several times. How can I get the message through to him that maybe he should put on his bathrobe before fetching the paper?

    Dolores
    Bernalillo

 

Dear Dolores,

Did you know that “dolor” means “pain” in Spanish? Sounds like your husband is causing you a lot of mental pain.  Why don’t you just tell the Adonis that Mindy and the other neighbors are laughing at him, and praying that no additional body parts may decide to peek out from his boxers.  You might also tell him that scorpions and rattlers in Bernalillo are attracted to boxer shorts and the shorts don’t provide much protection.  If he gets bitten by a rattlesnake in his shorts, he’ll soon learn who his friends are. I don’t see Mindy running to help out.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I'm not much of a baseball fan. In fact I'm not even sure how many players are on offense and defense. Or if they even have these in baseball. Anyway, everybody I know is talking about the Isotopes. It's the Isotopes this and the Isotopes that. I thought for a while, that maybe there were all undergoing radiation treatments until one of them told me that Isotopes is the name of our new baseball team. What kind of name is Isotopes for a baseball team? What ever happened to names like the Chiefs and the Bills and the Ducks?

    —No Big Fan Am I
    La Mesa

 

Dear No Big Fan,

Actually a day or night at the “Topes” games is a very enjoyable way to spend some quality family time. It’s not very expensive and the new stadium is first-rate. I recommend it. Now, why did they name the team The Isotopes. It’s from a mocking episode of The Simpsons where they were making fun of minor league baseball. I kind of like the name…certainly better than some of the older names which have evolved, in this politically correct era, into so-called racist names. You’ll never see teams anymore with names like “The Bullets”, “The Redskins”, “The Braves” with their insidious tomahawk chop, “The Weapons of Mass Destruction”, “The Unclean Illegal Aliens”, etc.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy
    We have been using a local trash collection service for months now. Last
    week they did not collect our trash or anybody else's. My neighbors and I
    have left our trash out on the curb all week and no one has come to collect
    it and with the days getting hotter, it is beginning to smell. We even
    tried calling the number on the side of the trash can but nobody answers.
    Do you think they are on vacation and should we just wait and see if they
    come back?

    —Elisabeth R.
    Ranchos

 

Dear Elisabeth R,

How regal your name is! They’re not coming back. The local trash bandits did a number on all of you gullible folks – they took a few months deposit and fled into the trash bins of bankruptcy.  I’m sorry you’re “down in the dumps”, but your trash isn’t going to be. Do what I do? I just look for a big dumpster by a shopping center and throw all my garbage into it.

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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