Dear Uncle Duffy
I just came back from a driving trip to Montana and I’m still shaking. In spite of the fact that all my major driving was on interstate highways, almost always 2 lane highways, I was constantly harassed by truck drivers. And, so you won’t think it’s just a sex-related harassment, my husband was also aggravated by aggressive truck drivers. I remember back when truck drivers used to be so polite. They used to always drive in the right-hand lane and only go to the left when passing a very slow moving vehicle. Also they seemed to take delight in tailgating me, and scaring the heebie-jeebies out of me. I gave one guy the finger as I finally passed him, and he blasted me for about 5 minutes on his air horn. I just broke down and started crying.
—Shaking in Santa Fe
Yes, I’ve had several letters recently from people complaining about rude truck drivers on the highways of New Mexico and elsewhere. I think it’s a sign of the times that they’re a bunch of lard-ass fat bastards who are angry at every car they see because many state governments have cracked down on the number of hookers at the various rest stops they frequent. Uncle Duffy stopped at a rest area recently near Elk City, Oklahoma, and the only female who “knocked” on the truck was old enough to be my grandmother… and I’m a grandfather for Pete’s sake.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
My daughter, who is 16 years old, but a little zaftig, (that’s a kind word for fat if you know what I mean), wants to wear those little skimmer blouses which expose her ample belly. She tells me that everyone wears those things, but she looks like a tethered Albuquerque balloon in her outfits. I’d be embarrassed to walk out of the house with a fat stomach showing. And to make matters worse, she has a tattoo on her butt which extends up her tuchus and you can see it since her tops are so skimpy. Am I off-base to not allow her to be fashionable?
—Perplexed in Placitas
It seems like, wherever you go, you see those swollen glands walking around with their porky midriff showing through. The good news is that it spoils my appetite when I see it at a restaurant, so I always eat less myself. Worse than those annoying tattoos are the piercings of the slow-witted girls who show off their chubby bellies. I don’t get it either. I think you should home-school your daughter if she insists that she wants to wear that garbage. Speaking of home-schooling, check out the next letter.
Deer Uncle Dusty,
I’ve been home-schooling my 7 daughters and 8 sons because my old lady and me think that they have a better chance to get a good Christian upbringing if they’re not influenced by some of them less desirable people who go to the public schools – if you catch my meaning. Some of them, y’know, kind of even y’know, smell bad, so I don’t want my kids to smell bad too – if you catch my meaning.. What if they had to have lockers near some of them less desirable people – if you catch my meaning? My problem is, that out of the full 45 minutes of schoolin and learnin’ I give to the young-ons , I teach them that creationism stuff for 30 minutes, but it don’t leave us much time for readin’ and stuff – if you catch my meaning. But I figures that 15 minutes a day learning them some mathematics and history (mainly bible history) is good enough. My old lady thinks that they needs more learnin’. But heck I learnt pretty good – good enough to get me my job in Lovelace Medical – I empty urine drainage bags. Does you agree with me, or does you agree with my woman? We’ve agreed to accept your opinion. Don’t y’know be influenced by this, but my woman says that if’n I’m right, she’ll do some of that stuff on me that I heard about with that former president – and with two of my ceegars.
—Home Teacher in Homesteads
Dear Home Teacher,
Wow. I catch your meaning! 15 kids at home, and you’re emptying urinary drainage bags for a living and spending less than an hour a day on collective home-schooling. Impressive. You didn’t mention it, but I’m guessing you’re big on the Patriot Act and Faith-Based Initiatives too. Tell your wife that I agree totally with you. At least if she’s busy paying you off, it’ll be 15 minutes where you won’t be procreating.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
What’s the big deal about some of our soldiers abusing their Iraqi prisoners? Rush Limbaugh, who is a tremendous patriot, and knows everything, said that our soldiers are getting shot at, so they have to let out a little steam. It’s just a little fun, no big deal. Why are they trying to make Bush apologize for it?
Confused in Algodones
See, the thing is that we’re their liberators. We’ve come to rescue them and set up democracy just like ours. We’re not supposed to sodomize them, electrocute their genitalia, or make them walk around naked with bags on their heads. It’s not part of Operation Enduring Freedom or some of the other lame names we give to our non-provoked attacks on other countries. This president (and I swear this will be the only political comment in this column, per my promises) has taken us back so far that no matter who becomes the next president, the country is heading (or in your case, Rushing) for a disaster which will take us decades to rectify – if ever.
Yo Uncle Duffy,
I really like birds. I got a bunch of bird feeders so I can watch the flying rodents eat that suet stuff as well as drink from the hummer feeders. I really get a kick out of all the birds enjoying themselves. But the problem is the squirrels. Every time I look at my feeders I see more squirrels on them things than birds. Last night I took out a shotgun and tried to blast two of them guys to kingdom come. But the only problem is that I forgot to open my rear window, so I shot out the window. I even missed those squirrels, but now I have a big hole in my windows which lets in the flies. Can I bring a suit against the county since it’s probably their fault that there’s squirrels here? Really, can’t they pass some kind of ordinance outlawing them critters?
Anasazi Homesteader, living in a Rancho along the Trail and up the Cedar Creek in Vista Del Oro
You seem to be really sharp. [note to self… what the hell is it about my column that I attract these imbeciles?] So, let me see if I got this straight… you shot at a couple of squirrels, missed them, didn’t open your window before you shot at them, and now want to have litigation against Sandoval County because of your broken window. I know a great lawyer who can take your case, when he’s not playing the mandolin or fiddle at the Piñon Café. Law firm of “Badda Bing, Badda Boom”. Good luck. Let me know if you win!
Dear Uncle Duffy,
I’ve lived in Placitas for only a year. On Mother’s Day weekend, I took the studio tour of a bunch of artists’ studios in our town. Unbelievable. How can there be so much talent in one small town. And I was even entertained by great musicians when I had lunch in town. What a place!
—Proud as punch
That’s funny, we stopped by the Piñon Cafe too. But the musicians we heard all looked and sounded as if they were on Prozak. Must have been more than one band playing that weekend.
The little woman and I saw all of the great studios on the Mother’s Day Weekend studio tours. We saw incredible sculptures, BEAUTIFUL hand-painted furniture, phenomenal computer-designed art, incredible gourd designs, and straw and wood and oil paintings that could hang in art galleries anywhere in the world. Placitas is a real treasure. Usually I lapse into some kind of sarcastic interlude, but frankly I’m so proud of my city that I’ll be kind throughout this answer.