The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    It’s early May when I’m writing this, and some poor woman has just given up her marriage and run away. Turns out she went to Albuquerque. I don’t know if it made the news up in Placitas, but it was big news in the city.  What do you think, Uncle?

    —Concerned on Candelaria

Dear Concerned,

Here’s what I think. She’s a nimrod who should be thrown in jail for her actions. Perhaps she has already been tossed into the hoosgow, I’m writing this in the beginning of May.  Did you look into those vacuous eyes in her photos? She’s either totally running on empty, or she has a severe Grave’s Thyroid disease. What an idiot to put her family through that fear that she had been kidnapped. I saw her fiancé talking about it, and the biggest punishment for both of them would be to force them to get married. UD note…it’s a few days later and now it appears she had planned this for a long time.  I think they should remove her feeding tube.

—UD

 

    Dearest Uncle,

    I just moved here about 6 months ago from my home in Virginia. That’s one of the eastern states, very close to the ocean – either the Atlantic or the Pacific or maybe the Indian Ocean, I’m not good at geography. Anyways, what’s the deal on the weather here?  I thought it’s supposed to be hot with all those saguaro cactus all over the place, and maybe like 100 degrees all year round and no rain and maybe just a few cute lizards who will eat out of your hand and stuff.  But, it’s been cold and rainy.  What gives?  I live in one of the really nifty Med-Mex mansions in the newer subdivision in town and I’m pleased to see that all the folks in my area like really huge homes with turrets and lots of Mediterranean bricks and stuff.  So there.

    —Pleased in Anasazi

Dear Pleased,

Where do I begin?  First, I’m stunned that you, so totally tasteless,  aren’t one of our new neighbors from the west coast. I’m shocked that people from the east coast can be so lacking in taste that you build one of those track-mansions which look out of place in the Mediterranean area, out of place in the Mexican area, and certainly out of place in New Mexico. Of course the fact that you don’t know which ocean is on the east coast does explain a lot too. And, yes the weather here is now lousy, so why don’t you move back to the east coast…after mercifully dynamiting your home back to its soil. But, like the signs say, don’t disturb the fragile soil like every other builder is doing.  And next time, get some advice before you build your McMansion in an arroyo. Hey Gonzo, that’s a flood plane.  I hope you have scuba gear in your front closet.

—UD

 

    NOTE TO MY LOYAL READERS… I RECEIVED ABOUT 30 LETTERS FROM DON IN DEL AGUA ESTATES. I’LL PRINT A FEW OF THEM, BUT THE KEY IS THAT HE WON’T BE READING THE ANSWERS, SINCE HE CLEARLY IS “GONE” MENTALLY. I’M SURE THAT RIGHT NOW HE’S AT HOME HAVING HIS PABLUM SPOON-FED TO HIM, BUT IN THE SPIRIT OF OPENNESS, I’LL PRINT THE LETTERS THAT WERE LEGIBLE FROM HIM. BY THE WAY… I COULDN’T FIND DEL AGUA ON THE MAP, I ASSUME IT’S A SPECIAL “HOME”.

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    While I was driving to work this week, I heard a commercial for car cassettes. It got me to wondering, why would anyone want a set of carcasses?

    —Don in Del Agua Estates

Dear Don,

Do not drive.  Do not get behind the wheel.  And, I personally have ordered a set of carcasses on several occasions.  My wife, Aunt Fern, tells me to “haul ass” from time to time, so I just bring her a rendered butt. I wonder if you were involved in the accident on Hwys 550 and 528 where rendered fat flew off a crashed truck and turned Bernalillo into a grease pit.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have been out of the state for over a year and just returned. Am I not remembering correctly or has everything always been this green? And was there always that much water in the Rio Grande? Sheesh. I thought I was in Ohio for a moment! What gives? Does this mean I can put in that lawn and swimming pool the wife has been after me for years to do?

    —Don in Del Agua Estates

Dear Don,

Do NOT put in a lawn and swimming pool.  “The wife” passed away during the presidency of Warren G. Harding, so a swimming pool and lawn won’t do her much good.  And, yes it’s green – we’ve had a wet winter and spring.  But it’s not Ohio. Although we don’t have lush lawns, we certainly have our share of lushes.  Those people wandering down Camino de las Huertas are not staggering because their shoes hurt.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I've been out of the state for over a year and just returned. Am I not remembering correctly or were there always this many houses in Placitas. Do you think there is any connection between the sudden appearance of all these new houses and the appearance of all the yellow wild flowers covering the hills (or were they always there?). Forgive me if I sound repetitious, but what is going on here? I'm confused?

    —Don in Del Agua Estates

Hello Don (or the person reading this SLOWLY to Don)

Yes, new houses do abound. One of the prices one pays for living in paradise is that others want to live here too. The flowers are spectacular this year. I hear that all the creeks are running, even Las Madres Grandes de Las Madres (the big mother of mothers) Creek which hasn’t run since the previous liar in the White House - Nixon.  The wild flowers are beautiful. Enjoy them, Don, they’ll be dried and withered by the summer. Which reminds me, how are you feeling?

—UD

 

    Hi Uncle Duffy

    Guess who??? (It's Gloria but I bet you knew that, huh? Uncle Duffy knows everything!!!)

    I'm happy to announce I have found the love of my life. Really. This is it!!! I'm sure. His name is Bruce and he is really cute. Bruce is 5' 10" (but he tells everyone he is just short of 6 feet--with his cowboy boots he is about 6 feet). Anyway everything with Bruce is about as good as anyone could hope for.

    But here is my question. A friend of mine sent me an e-mail that says that pigs, how can I put this in a family web site, pigs enjoy sex for 30 minutes after they are done, does that make sense? Anyway, if I were going to criticize Bruce for anything, and he is so perfect I even hate to bring this up, the enjoyment does not even last for 30 seconds. 3 seconds is more like it!!! My question is, am I expecting too much???

    Yours Truly

    —Gloria

Dear Gloria,

Bruce sounds like more of a winner than your usual collection of dunderheads. Yes, pigs, when they’re “makin’ bacon” can have a 30 minute exaltation (I can use that rather than the “C” word). That’s why they walk around in the mud saying “boink, boink”.  30 minutes is good, but you can’t hope for that as a human. However, 3 seconds seems like it’s not worth getting into the back seat of your mom’s car. You’re not expecting too much. I know you usually find immature guys, but this time I think you found a premature guy. Dump him fast! Faster than 3 seconds.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have been out of the state for over a year. (Have I written to you before? or is it deja vu?) Well the reason I am writing is I can't remember the name of those pills you can take to improve your short term memory. You must know the ones I am speaking about because you seem to remember everything. I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. Where was I? Darn, I'll have to get back to you.

    —Don in Del Agua Estates (I think)

Dear Don,

Yes you’ve written to me before. 100’s of times, even this month. Here’s what you had for lunch yesterday - a Placitas salad.  Here’s what you had for lunch the day before – a Placitas salad. The pills you need to take are called Viagra. Take two, and call Gloria (see above letter).  Then everyone can be helped.  You might want to watch for Bruce, but if you do see him with Gloria in her mom’s car, wait 4 seconds before you speak.

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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