This is a serious problem. My boyfriend Garry (not his real name, but I changed it by doubling one of the letters so you can’t figure out his real name) is a real nice guy, albeit a “little person”. I guess that’s what he likes to be called because he’s pretty short – I think like about 25 cm tall, and I think that there’s only 2.5 cm in an inch, so he’s short for his age. He’s 50 years old (actually he’s 10 years younger than that but I’m trying to fool you – and actually he’s taller than that, he’s 5 feet 10 inches tall but let’s just say he’s 50 and 25 cm tall to throw people off). Anyway, he’s a real gentleman, but let’s face it, he has a lot of nasal and ear hair (no that’s not a deception, it’s really nasal and ear hair). On top, he’s balder than that actor Yule Log, or whomever, but his nasal and ear hair are real bushy, and frankly it’s kind of nauseating. We’ve been dating for 5 years (actually 3) and I just bought him one of them Panasonic nasal and ear hair trimmers, and all he does is work on his nose and ears when we’re sitting in a restaurant, not that he usually takes me to a sit-down restaurant, but let’s say that he does. What should I do, Uncle?
—Honest in Placitas Heights
Where do I begin on this one? Your friend “Garry” (or whatever his real name is, Einstein) has a problem if he likes to trim his excess hair in restaurants, even fast-food joints, and even the ones on that beautiful strip in Bernalillo. I hope he doesn’t get any hair-balls or trimmings on any of the burgers or tacos or fried chicken in those restaurants. It would be a shame if his hair got tangled up in the hairs that are already on the food. I had a breakfast croissant in one of those restaurants yesterday and the hair didn’t bother me as much as the egg shells. I felt like I was eating peanut brittle. I didn’t feel too well the rest of the day, and frankly I don’t feel too well today…thanks for asking.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
Have you ever noticed that the word Duffy (a.k.a. duff) may have a reference to a person's fundament or keister? And that your initials UD are the same initials used for uterine device? Am I off the mark here or is your mind in the gutter?
—Clean as a whistle in Placitas
Dear Clean as a whistle,
Actually I never noticed that my name, Duffy, refers to a person’s keister. Maybe I’ll change it to … to … yeah, to Uncle Butt. And you’re correct that the initials UD are for uterine device. What makes it even more ironic is that Duffy is my middle name and my first name is Ira – which I never use because it reminds people of their 401K’s and other retirement plans. So my real initials are IUD, which is a lot better than UD, no?
Dear Uncle Duffy
I'm sorry to say that in spite of all your good advice, things with Ernest did not work out. As soon as I said no more drinks on the house for all his admiring girl friends at the casino, he told me all bets were off, and that meant me.
But the good news is, my new boyfriend Tony, is a photographer and he says he is going to make me famous. On the Internet! I don't have a computer so I am not sure what he is talking about, but he has been taking all these pictures of me without my clothes on. Tony says I have a really cool bod (I do) and together we are going to make a lot of money.
The only thing that worries me is my mom. She does have a computer and
spends a lot of time on the Internet. Do you think she will see the
pictures of me that Tony is going to put up on his Website?
Gloria, Gloria, Gloria
You’ve picked another winner. If you weren’t my favorite reader who writes to me all the time, I’d probably be making fun of you right now, but I do appreciate your questions. First of all, just to make sure that I understand what the photos are showing, please send a bunch of the better ones to me so I can check them out. Ever since Aunt Fern left, it’s been a little lonely here, so your photos would be a tonic. Will your mother see the photos? Depends where she’s looking. I would say that she likely will see it, or one of her friends will bring the photos to your attention. I’m not telling you to dump Tony like I suggested with Ernest. But tell him you’d like to take a photo of his private parts with your camera. Tell him that you certainly don’t need a wide-angle lens. That should send him packing.
Dear Uncle Duffy
I think Senator Bingaman is the best thing we have going in this state (I'm a Liberal with a capital L). Senator Jeff had the courage of his conviction to vote against the confirmation of Alberto Gonzales because he did not feel that a person who’s against the Geneva Conventions--which protect our boys as much as any one else, and who tried to make torture legal, should be the Attorney General of this fine nation.
Now I hear, the Conservatives, actually the neo-conservatives, are calling Bingaman a racist because Gonzales is a Latino and his vote against Gonzales was racially motivated. I suppose the torture thing must not be an issue with these morons. What is it with these arrogant idiots and just who the hell do they think they are kidding?
Dear Roberto with a capital R,
I certainly admire Senator Bingaman too. He’s New Mexico’s only senator who can speak without slurring his words. Since you live in the Village, Roberto, you know that Bingaman is quite popular with the Hispanics, in spite of the Karl Rove distortions that are coming out that Bingaman is a racist. It’s absurd, considering the track record on race from the other side of the aisle.
What an interesting question. Actually, a tit mouse is a clever pointing device that mommy uses when she is on the computer to keep her hands free while she is talking on the phone to your uncle Ernest. (You know, the one who only comes to visit mommy when Daddy is away on his business trips).
Dear Uncle Duffy
My neighbor Marge says that I should not let my son Billy, he's 4, watch Sponge Bob Square Pants because he is pushing the homosexual agenda onto young and impressionable children. She says the American Family Association says that Barney, Buster Bunny and Bert and Ernie are also advocating the gay life style!
I told Marge that Sponge Bob Square Pants is a sponge for heaven's sakes, and not even a real sponge but a man made sponge and man made sponges do not have any sex. They are neutral.
Is it just me, or can some people see immodesty in the crotch of a tree?
Dear Billy's Mom,
Whereas I agree with you in general, I do have to take some exception about sponges being neutral. My brother-in-law Vino has been living with us for 7 years. He says he's looking for a job and just hasn't found the right one to suit his skills - like making license plates at San Quentin. The guy's the biggest sponge I've ever seen, and keeps bringing home floozies. So he ain't neutral, if you catch my meanin'. The American Family Association is so out of touch with reality, that even other ultra-conservative pundits, like the slow-witted Michael Medved, are distancing themselves from the fray. This sponge story doesn't hold much water. As to trees, I have a cottonwood in my yard that bears an uncanny resemblance to the derriere of Jennifer Lopez - does that make me an ash or a son of a birch?