Dear Uncle Duffy,
Hello my friend. My name Svetlana. I live in Ukraine. I am the girl is beautiful and young. I have a beautiful body, and I the blonde. I have a beautiful breast, but I very much want to make her even more size. But for this purpose operation is necessary for increase of the size of a breast. It costs 3 000 $. I have no all sum. And consequently I in search of the man which wishes the help me. It not necessarily thousand dollars. You the help to me even if you send me 25 or 30 $. I very much shall be grateful to you. If my savior will wish will meet me I with pleasure shall show result of operation :0) It is beforehand grateful to you. Answer me to the address SVETLANA_18@HOTMAIL.COM Svetlana.:0)
Dear Ukraine Babe,
I’m quite impressed with your English, but I wish you would have sent me a photo of yourself, especially the area you’d like to enhance. Maybe, since you’re from the Ukraine, you can take a picture of yourself next to the Chernoble Nuclear Facility which destroyed quite a bit of the Ukraine a few years back. Sorry, Svetlana, I don’t send money to people who request it via email. But I have to tell you, your letter is a lot more compelling than the usual Nigerian Banker junk I get daily.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
I listen a lot to talk radio here in Albuquerque. I used to think I was a middle-of-the-road kind of a guy, but after listening to some of those reactionary screw-balls on AM hate-radio, I feel like I’m a flaming liberal because I don’t hate gays, I’m not anti-choice and I kind of like minorities. One thing is really confusing to me. I keep hearing the term “compassionate conservative”. What does that mean, Uncle?
—Confused in Duke City
I don’t get into politics in this advice column so I won’t address your question other than to say that I agree that the term “compassionate conservative” is a classic oxymoron. It stems from our beloved President’s attempt to pretend compassion as he gives tax breaks to Enron’s Kenny Boy and all the other high-rollers who throw money at him. I’m guessing that the enrollment of Augusta National is just loaded with compassionate conservatives. When you listen to these hate-radio jockeys, remember that their job is to pretend they’re as stupid as their audience so that the audience will think they are as clever as the radio-guys.The one I get a kick out of is that loud mouth guy on morning radio. He used to bash Clinton—still does—but attacks anyone who criticizes our current President—says it’s anti-American to criticize the President. You figure that one out!
Dear Uncle Duffy,
My girlfriend is on this diet, see. She’s on a high carb, low fat diet. I’m noticing two things – one is that she’s not getting any thinner, and two is that she seems more stupid than usual. What’s the deal, Uncle?
Sounds like a very dangerous diet. She might lose weight initially, but she’ll gain it back. She’d really be better off with a high fat / low carb diet, but the best diet of all is that one should just eat everything in moderation. Try it. If you really want her to lose weight, force her to watch all those swollen glands lining up at the fast food joints every day – supersizing their meals. Obesity is so common in New Mexico that someone who is normal sized is starting to look strange here. And, by the way, the reason your girlfriend seems more stupid is because she is not getting any fat which the brain needs to function properly. Dump the porker quick!