The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I do a lot of traveling and go to many fancy restaurants. My question, dear uncle, is how come there’s often ice cubes in the urinals of men’s washrooms?  I don’t know if they’re in women’s washrooms because, I, y’know, don’t go into them. What’s the deal with all the ice in the urinals.

    —Curious in Homesteads

Dear Curious,

If I lived in Homesteads I’d be curious too. For a lot of reasons. Anyway, about the ice. Many of your fine restaurants don’t have proper storage facilities for all the ice they have to make for mixed drinks in their bars. So, I’m told…and goodness knows I might have wrong information here…they store their excess ice in the urinals until they need it. I’m told that they tend to wash the ice off before they put them in your drinks, so I’m sure there wouldn’t be any problems. Don’t get me started on where they get the salt for the margarita glasses.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle,

    I  just heard a rumor that they’re going to build stands for musical concerts in Placitas, just east of the Merc. That’s going to be a major problem with noise. How can I protest it?

    —Concerned across the road

Dear Concerned,

Wow. I hadn’t heard about that. I hope they haven’t started construction yet.  If any of my readers can help me out here. .. Is there some way we can discourage open night concerts in Placitas? So much for a nice quiet community. I think night concerts would be a disaster, and not just for all the communities who live within bass-pounding sound of the concerts. I’m against it and I hope others will protest.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle,

    Why is the press picking on Tom DeLay so much? Big deal that he has all of his family on his governmental payroll and lobbyists send him golfing in Russia and other countries. I mean, if he were a democrat, I bet they wouldn’t even think twice about it.

    —Ken Starr

Dear Mr. Starr,

I’m impressed that you read my columns. Have I ever told you that I find you one of the most disingenuous lying thugs in the history of our country? How many millions did you spend trying to overthrow Hillary and Bill…and you came up with squat?   Yes, Mr. DeLay is a fine gentleman…just like you. As soon as they change all the Senate and House ethics laws, I’m sure he’ll be vindicated, and maybe even get a presidential medal of honor.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I’m so furious.  I’ve never written to a newspaper or a Website before and I have to wait until my hand stops shaking. I just got turned down at my pharmacy for refilling my prescription for birth control. I’m a woman in my late 40’s and, thank you Dubya, I’m not interested in getting pregnant again. I have three wonderful children who are now out of the house and I can work full time again. What right is it of the government to tell me that I can’t get birth control devices? I’m shaking with anger.

    —Furious on Tierra Madre

 

Dear Furious,

Yeah, amazing isn’t it? The fundamentalists are now telling you what method of birth control you can use. My friend Mary asked me the other day if a pharmacist would not fill a prescription for Viagra. Bob Dole advertises for that type of product so it must be okay. It is hard to believe that the government is intruding in that. Sort of like telling schools that they can’t teach evolution, a scientifically based fact, without teaching the creationist theories. Geez, what century are we in here? No wonder we’re the laughing stock of the world.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle, dear dear uncle,

    It's me Gloria again. Boy I bet you are getting tired of hearing about all my dead end love affairs. You were right about Bart, of course. Bart was the fellow I met through my Website on the Internet. Everything started out great. Bart and I exchanged at least a hundred e-mail messages and it was love at first byte. (That was pretty clever, don't you think? I mean the love at first byte bit).

    Anyway, Bart wrote and said he was 24, six feet tall, 175 pounds, trim and fit and athletic. He said he loved to do all kinds of things outdoors. Oh and he said he was independently wealthy.

    Well! When we finally met F2F (that's Internet speak for face-to-face), it turns out that Bart has a very active imagination. He was 45-50 if he was a day, about 7 inches short of 6 feet, bald and fat. And the only thing he liked to do outdoors was get his mail from the mailbox. (Mostly girlie magazines). And so much for being independently wealthy! He let me pay for dinner and the movie. Said he forgot his wallet!

    So I guess I have two questions Uncle Duffy. Why me? And, are you single?

    Affectionately yours,

    Gloria

Dearest Gloria,

I wish you’d settle down, but I suppose my columns wouldn’t be as interesting if you ever find a normal guy (or girl). Hey, maybe that Bart guy was really … was really Uncle Duffy himself. Nah!  It wasn’t. To answer your questions, Gloria… 1) why me? Because you have an open curiosity which horrible people take advantage of.  It’s a shame, really, because you’re sweet and just want to be taken seriously. I take you seriously, and I’m sure you’ll find Mr. Right some day. But be a bit more discerning.  And 2), yes I’m single… Actually I’m not single, but I was thinking of taking advantage of you because of your sweet innocence. Y’see, even I contemplated taking advantage. But I wouldn’t go through with it. I’m Mr. Wrong. Hang in there Gloria. Go to the local café every morning for coffee and soon you’ll meet a nice guy. Ignore the people with all the missing teeth.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I’m confused. I hear all those ads on TV about stuff like cereal which they say is good for you, because it’s low in carbs (Hey are carbs and carbohydrates the same thing? No one says carbohydrates anymore.) But then those cereals or margarines or chips or cookies or whatever have all those trans fatty acids in them. How can they call them healthy if they have the partially hydrogenated oils – the trans fats in them?  Are they lying?  Can they get away with it?

    —Chunky in Gallop

Dear Chunky,

Trans fatty acids – AKA Partially Hydrogenated oils are very very dangerous for you. They create free radicals which cause cellular mutations and will give you cancer. They will give you cancer. Those commercials for supposedly healthy foods like the low sugar (I don’t know why they call them carbs rather than carbohydrates either) should be outlawed, but obviously they make a profit for the TV stations. And people are so stupid. They just buy those trans fatty acid products all the time without looking for the cancer word – partially hydrogenated oils or fats. It’s as bad as smoking.  A shame…

—UD

 


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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