The Sandoval Signpost (Web edition) is pleased
as punch (diet punch that is) to bring you the humor
and insightful human observations of Daniel Will Harris,
author of My
Wife and Times. —Ed].
You dog, you
By Daniel Will Harris
Lately my wife's been talking about getting
a puppy. She looks through the online animal shelter listings
and researches the personalities of various breeds—then
she disregards all that and then chooses the one she finds
She doesn't seem to realize she's already got a puppy—Me.
I can do everything a dog can do—and more. Of course,
maybe the "and more" is the problem.
I think the reason she doesn't get this is because most of
the time I don't act like a puppy. Why not? Because she doesn't
treat me like one.
No, she mistakenly treats me like an adult, which is, of
course, always a mistake. If she insists on treating me like
an adult, then what choice do I have but to try to act like
one (notice I said "try to"). And what fun is that
going to be for her?
I have tried, over our many years of marriage, to explain
this to her. But her response is always something like, "I'm
not going to be the only adult around here." Well, since
she probably already is, why not just face the fact and get
on with it? Then maybe she'll see the puppy in me.
I explain that if she'll only treat me like a puppy, instead
of a man or Pit Bull, then I'd be a friendly little loveable
cuddly puppy for her. I would even promise never to eat the
sofa leg, or have an accident on the carpet.
But no, she just comes back with, "why do I have to
be the one to change?" and then whole question becomes
moot. She could be getting impressive results using nothing
more than a dog training manual. Instead, she's falling into
the whole "adult" quagmire.
When I was younger I used to think that people just turned
into adults and never knew what hit them. Now that I've lived
a few more years I'm fully aware that most people are fully
aware of what's hit them, they just can't find people who'll
treat them like they aren't adults so they feel compelled
to act like adults—and there you have the root cause
of most of the problems in the world.
Because (and this is the big "adult secret" that
we're not supposed to tell anyone under 21, so if you're under
21 and reading this, make sure to pay special attention because
this may be the only time you'll hear it) most people really
are only acting like adults. Inside we're all like 5 year
olds—immature and needy and doing really stupid things
because of it. But we can't let "the children" know
this, so they grow up and go through the same stupid cycle.
The solution, in this case, is in the hands of women. Yes,
it really is. Women have to take the initiative because they
are the smarter sex. It's kind of like noblesse oblige. I
just read that the Y chromosome that makes men has only 1%
of the genes X chromosomes have. Dr. David Page of the International
Human Genome project called the "Y" "A rotted
out version of the X." Well, that explains a lot, doesn't
it? I personally find that a tremendous relief, not to mention
a darn good excuse.
Maybe it's also our genes and prehistoric need to hunt that
makes us appear active, while we're really just reacting—waiting
for something to move so we can spear it and good look in
front of the ladies.
The truth is that men are really more about REACTION than
action. It starts when we're babies. If our mother smiles,
we smile. If our mother looks worried, we're worried. I saw
it on PBS, so it has to be true.
Now, I know there are a few macho men out there (especially
those too young to know better) who are thinking, "Hey,
I'm the top dog. I don't need no b*tch telling me what to
do." To those guys I say, "You're young. You'll
learn. And don't use that kind of language when talking about
a lady." If you're not young and you still think that,
I say "maybe this explains why you're alone." To
the gays out there, I say, "One of you has to be the
Besides, that tough Alpha Male posturing is all fine and
good among other males, but it simply doesn't work with the
females. They may think it's cute at first, but then they
find it tiresome.
Our idiot Y chromosome may be making us act as if we're the
dominant alpha-dogs, but in reality we know we're just looking
for someone to pat our heads and say "What a good boy!
What a good boy!" I know it. You know it. Admit it, and
let your inner puppy out.
So, ladies, when you look at a man, just see us as the animals
we are. At our best we're beloved pets. At our worst, we're
vermin. But we can't help it. We were born that way.