The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

Uncle Duffy Explains It All

An advice column for people in Southern Sandoval County

To my faithful readers:

As you know, I’ve been out of commission for a little while. I had to, er go away for 3 – 6 years (minus time for good behavior), but I’m back now and can again answer your questions, and give you the benefit of my experiences, knowledge, and vast educational background. We’ve come a long way baby, as they used to say in commercials before it wasn’t so politically correct. So I guess you’ll have to ask your questions electronically rather than like in the past with your Smith-Coronas or quill and papyrus.

So ask away. No subject is too tawdry, no discussion is too mundane.  Hey, if I don’t like your question, or if it’s too tough, I’ll just ignore it or make up a better one.

So, let the games begin…

      —Uncle Duffy

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Hey, welcome back. Here’s my dilemma.  Like, every day I get, y’know, one of them letters in the mail that says I won a million bucks, or maybe a new home in Bernalillo or something. Course, they want me to buy some magazines, so like, I buy a bunch even though I, you know, don’t read so much because it kinda interferes with some of the TV shows I like to watch – like that wrestling stuff.  So anyways, UD, did I win?  I mean, they say, like, I’m a winner, they even have my name on a check I can’t cash even if I did have a real account.  So like what’s going on here?

      —Winner ? in Bernalillo

 

Dear Winner…not,

I see you’re another proud graduate of our fine NM school system.  Here’s the deal…you didn’t win…you won’t win…you’re never going to win. Not even close, my man. The odds of you winning are less than the odds of you scoring more than mid-double digits on an IQ test. They only say “you may be a winner” so you can buy their exciting mags like “Bowling for Bums” or “Eskimo Entrepreneurs”. But here’s the kicker, Einstein. You don’t really have to buy squat from them. All you need to waste is a 37 cent stamp if you can figure out where to put it on the envelope.

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    My wife and I just built a really beautiful home way up here in Placitas and we’re trying to get it landscaped. She wants me to plant a couple of acres of grass just like we had in Jersey, but I don’t know. I don’t see too many manicured lawns and I don’t feel creative enough to go with the natural stuff. What do you think?

      —Barren in Placitas

 

Dear Barren,

First of all – do not, repeat, do not plant grass up here. If you like beautiful green lawns, maybe the Southwest, where we have a major water shortage, isn’t a place for you, or at least for your wife. Hey, you can always paint the dirt green or buy astroturf if you like that look. Why not call up about 85 landscapers and hope that one of them will actually keep the appointment and make it to your house. You could and should use some of the local folks who are pretty knowledgeable about xeroscape landscaping. And feel free to plant cacti and other local flora yourself although I’d suggest you wash your hands before preparing dinner – unless you enjoy Hanta Virus Tartar or Bubonic Bullion.

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    I thought I saw you in one of the local casinos a few weeks ago. Was that you? Man, I lost some major bucks that evening, but you looked like you were smiling up a storm. What’s your secret?

      —Isletta Loser

 

Dear Loser,

Here’s my secret. I walk in with 50 bucks in my pocket. I don’t take my ATM card so the worst I could lose (after I buy a nice buffet dinner) is the 50 Samolans.  Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I play Blackjack; the slots will kill you, my friend. The slots and the smoke. Uncle Duffy’s favorite pastime is to watch all those folks with their oxygen hoses up their schnozolas, puffing away on a cig or two or three, shoving dollars into those one-armed bandits. Sometimes they’ll look at me with their bloodshot-reddened eyes and cough and speak to me in their emphysema- laden voices about how much they’re down tonight but 81 years ago they hit it big. Check out all the building going on at those places and ask yourself where the money to expand is coming from. Duh!!!


Uncle Duffy’s Alternative Dictionery

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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