An advice column for people in Southern Sandoval County
Dear Uncle Duffy,
I’m a woman and loyal reader of your column. Here’s my dilemma. I was always considered quite attractive, but through the ravages of time, as I age things are shifting a bit, and I’m getting a few wrinkles in my face where I never had them before. My husband adores me. Although he says he really doesn’t care about the wrinkles, he’s left a few brochures around about the procedure called Botoxing. What do you think, Tio? Should I do it? Is it painful? Is it permanent?
So, you’re wrinkled. Well lah-dee-dah. Big deal. I’m sure you’re still beautiful. Here’s what Botoxing is. It’s when some doctor injects you with the exotoxin of one of the most deadly microorganisms found in nature Clostridium botulinum. It’s the germ which kills - through botulism. Tell your husband that he should inject some botulism up his wazoo and see what HE says. And yes, it’s painful. And yes it’s expensive. And no it’s not permanent, the treatments have to be performed several times a year. My favorite pastime is to go to elegant parties and watch the women who can no longer smile since their faces have been PARALYZED by this procedure. That’s what it does, it paralyzes your face. Pathetic. Hey, you’re getting older. Live with it like me and the missus. Get a life!
Dear Uncle Duffy,
I just moved here from Yonkers. Where I came from, if you tried to make eye-contact with anyone, let alone wave to them as they drove by you, they’d have you arrested for second-degree perversion. But here I notice everyone waves. So I want to, but I don’t generally know the oncoming person or car. Any advice?
Dear Eye Shy
I’m glad you asked because it’s critical for your well-being here to know when and how to wave to friends and strangers. I put together a primer which I modestly present to you. Remember, your object, when a car is approaching you while you’re walking, is to get the driver to get his/her hands back on the wheel, or their cell phone, or their Super-sized Biggie drink, as soon as possible. But how to wave back? Here’s my advice!!!
- THE OPEN PALM GREETING. This wave is reserved for people or vehicles you actually recognize, assuming you recognize them in time before they shoot past you and cause you to hug the rattlesnake-infested tundra next to the road.
- THE PARTIAL GREETING. (Performed by holding your right hand up - palm out- a tad longer than your normal stride would dictate). The Partial is used when the driver is waving at you, but you don't have a clue who the driver is. Still...you don't want to be rude, so you give 'em something.
- THE FAKE-OUT GREETING. (Performed by an almost imperceptible hold of your right hand at three quarters height during the stride). The Fake-Out is used when you can't see into the vehicle because of shadows or darkness or too much sun, and you don't have a clue if the person is waiving at you or not. By the proper use of the Fake-out, the driver will think you're waving if he/she cares, but - and this is critical - if the driver is not waving at you, your wave will not be construed as an actual wave; just a hitch in the stride. (This is also known as a Placitas Micro-wave.)
- THE THUMBS-DOWN GREETING. (Performed by a rapid thumbs-down motion of your right hand - and, in rare instances a like motion of the left thumb and hand). This is used when you actively dislike the person coming towards you, or if they are really speeding or if they're a known pipeline executive.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
Things here sure are different than where I come from on the West Coast. I keep hearing that New Mexico has a State Cookie. Is that true?
Yes, the bizcochito is indeed the State Cookie of our beloved State. It really is delicious, and the secret ingredient for you health food mavens out there is not trans fatty acids, it’s not any kind of partially hydrogenated palm oil, it’s good old-fashioned lard. Animal fat, and lots of it. Every year we lose more people to bizcochitos than to all of the battles and wars fought by our ancestors here. But, what a way to go. When the coroner sees the smile on the corpse’s face and the crumbs on the moustache (male or female) then the cause of death is simply recorded as “New Mexico Natural Causes ”.
Dear Uncle Duffy,
Do you put your rolls of toilet paper on the spindle so the sheets come from the front or from the back?
Dear In the Dark,
I’m sorry, you obviously have me confused with Dear Ann or her sister Abigail. I think one of those brain-trusts have handled this “tissue issue” already. Where I come from it was a luxury to have any paper at all in the stalls, so the question might have been, “which way do we stack the corn stalks in the outhouse?” Uncle Duffy was once sitting in a stall in a bathroom at a pretty nice restaurant in town. The guy in the next stall asked me if I had any tissue in my stall. I said no. Then he asked me if I had any kind of paper in my stall – he was a bit desperate. I said no. Finally, after a few more minutes he asked “do you have change for a ten dollar bill?”. Pathetic
Dear Uncle Duffy:
I read in the papers that a New Yorker came down with bubonic plague. Those trendy cultureless losers are stealing our plague. What’s next? Hanta virus in Central Park? What can we do to make sure our cultural heritage stays here in NM where it belongs.
Well, the paper had the facts wrong. As most of my faithful readers are aware of, the plague did in fact come from our beloved state. The speculation is that they contracted the plague germ at their home in Santa Fe. (A capitol illness?) Since there are more people in a square mile in Manhattan than there are in our entire state, they’ll just have to be content with their own critters and low-lives.
Do you have a question for Uncle Duffy? Or a comment? Or, God forbid, a criticism? Click here to be transferred to the comments page from which you can send your comments. And be back on the first of December for the next helpful and informative installment of Uncle Duffy explains it all, or most of it, or something like that.
- The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.