Dear Uncle Duffy
I was just at a party in Placitas in a subdivision called Ranchos de los Perros. Did you ever hear of it? Anyway, it was a 40th anniversary party for my neighbors and they have this German Shepard who constantly licks my neighbors all over their faces, and was licking all the serving plates just as the guests were coming to the party. When I mentioned to my neighbors that they should think about their guests as well as their pet, they were offended. Uncle, I didn’t want to eat the food – and I didn’t. And, when I commented about the fact that she shouldn’t let the dog lick her face, she told me that old wives’ tale that dogs’ mouths are cleaner than humans. Yeah, but we don’t eat our own excrement in the dirt, now do we? What do you think, Uncle Duffy. Why would people hire a three piece band, have expensive catered food, and then make MOST of their guests feel uncomfortable? I don’t get it.
—Frustrated in Placitas Heights
No, I never did hear of Los Ranchos. Is it beyond the Village? You have several issues in your excellent letter, although I had to edit out all your expletives when describing their male German Shepard. I have to say that I own and love dogs and cats! First, yes it’s patently absurd, and shows that your neighbors are retarded if she or he think that Bowser’s mouth is cleaner than humans. In number of bacteria perhaps, because we live in a primordial bacterial soup, but we can handle our normal germs. However, pets in this area pick up dead animals, with concomitant hanta virus, plague bacteria, they do eat their own turds, they lick the ground and they barf up tarantulas. I wouldn’t let one of their long tongues anywhere near my face or near my food. I have three dogs, but I don’t let them lick me – and when the missus and I throw a party, the dogs are always in a closed room so they won’t disturb my guests, who are very important to me. That’s why they call them guests. As to Fido licking the serving plates, I would have reported your neighbors to the authorities, or at least warned the other guests not to eat the doggy-licked food.
It’s the speed of the lines in the Bernalillo post office. It’s the speed of the truck in front of you as you wind through the S curves on HWY 165. It’s the time it takes for the morbidly obese cretin in front of you in line in Raley’s to take out her credit card and pay for the $4000 of high fat treats she will eat before they put it in a bag. It’s the time it takes a Qwest operator to mentally translate your frustration and request into English.
Dear Uncle Duffy
Some of my neighbors have been telling me that the 66 in Route 66 has something to do with devil worship. Is this true?
—Baffled in Bernalillo
No, the number 66 is not the mark of the devil. That’s 666. Route 66 is from the Hoover Administration back when republicans really were compassionate. On second thought, maybe it should be called Route 666. Route 66 was such an interesting and historic part of the first part of this century, that our government decided to change it to I-55, I-44, and I-40. Quaint, ain’t it?
Dear Uncle Duffy
Our neighbors down the street are trying to sell their house. But some mean-spirited person in our neighborhood keeps taking down the real estate agent's directional signs. This is frustrating for our neighbors and I am sure for her agent who has to purchase these signs out of her own pocket. Why do people do this? And what would these people say if this happened to them when they were trying to sell their home?
—Concerned Neighbor in Corrales
Dear Concerned Neighbor,
Corrales is an interesting town. I’m sure you know that it was Coronado’s horses which were in the corals (Corrales) on Christmas back in 1541 or so, that were let loose by drunken carousers and begot all the wild horses in the West ever since. Ever since then, you drunken, carousing, Corrales-types have been neurotic about new people coming in and others leaving. Corrales is an interesting town where people drive at a snail’s pace (see above) and try to avoid mongrel dogs and chickens on the road. It has a gentrified charm to it, especially if you like good restaurants. So, tell your neighbors to pull up their own signs and stay there. Heck they even have real trees and grass there (and not just the grass you mow).
Dear Hummingbird Lover,
Hummingbirds come from other hummingbirds. They’re real cute, until you see three of them trying to get to the same nectar feeder. They’re actually nasty, vicious, mean-spirited birds who would just as soon see other hummers die rather than drink from THEIR territorial feeder. If they were people, they would probably be suicide bombers in the Middle-East. Hey, maybe that’s where they go in the winter. Yes, that’s it, they go to Gaza. I hope this helps.