Dear Uncle Duffy,
I just saw the three debates on TV. I’m a big Bush supporter, but I was very surprised that he seemed rather inept in the debates. Frankly I don’t know who to vote for anymore. I think you’ve indicated in the past that you don’t totally support Bush. Give me a rationale for voting for Kerry and I will.
—Confused in Placitas Heights
Again, I really don’t want to get too political, but you’re forcing me to state some facts. It’s really not all that confusing. Bush is a vacuous person, possibly a nice average guy, with no intellect and no intellectual curiosity. He’d make a great soccer coach, but if I were running a business, I would NEVER hire him to run one of my departments. He’s just not centered and focused. He’s just not bright. He’s a puppet of the evangelicals and of the vicious neo-cons. Kerry’s not perfect, but let’s not support the team which has destroyed our economy, sent our heroic men and women to die in a war which they started and they have nothing but contempt for you and everyone but their evil cabal. By now, the election is probably over, and he’s won. What a shame!!!! I wonder how much fraud he and his buddies will have perpetrated. I’m writing this in October, but you can say I told you so.
Dear Uncle Duffy
I just overheard someone say that pickles are really embalmed cucumbers. Is that right? The same person said that Pastrami was embalmed beef. (I was in my favorite deli, it's a combination India Indian restaurant and deli. It's called the New Deli--get it?).
Yes, I get it. Funny stuff, Moishe. You don’t have an eyepatch like the other Moishe do you? Yes, pickles are cucumbers which have been embalmed. And they make Dill–dos out of them. Get it? They use the same embalming fluid that they use for pastrami and for corpses at Chavez’ Funeral Home on San Mateo. That’s why people who eat pickles never die…no bacteria or virus can survive in their gut.
Dear Uncle Duffy
It's my mother. I am soooo embarrassed. Ever since my dad left my mom (for a girl almost my age, can you believe it?) my mom has gotten really weird. I mean, she has gotten her nose pierced, has a tattoo of a devil on her back, and has dyed her hair metallic orange. And you should see the way she is dressing. If I didn't know better, I'd say she had reverted to my age. How do I deal with this and how can I let mom know that she is so out of it?
—Tiny in Vista del Oro
I’m not sure why men and women, when they reach a certain age, feel they have to look young and act like a little kid. I would be embarrassed too if my mom had her nose pierced and got a tattoo – let alone dyed her hair bright orange. It’s a phase, she’ll grow out of it someday…if you’re lucky. In the meantime, I would not bring home any guys to meet her unless they’re guys you meet at the local pool hall or the brothel. If it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one laughing at your mom…everyone else is also.
Dear Uncle Duffy
I'm not sure if I asked you this or not, but just in case I did not, do birds have teeth? I've never noticed any teeth, but then I have never gotten close enough to see, if you get my point.
Thanks in advance man,
—Jimbo in Limbo
Dear Jimbo in Limbo,
Yes, I believe I did answer this once before, but I know it’s a question that is on a lot of people’s minds. (note to self…I really attract the low-lives of the world with this column). Birds don’t have teeth – they have peckers. They have peckers - just like people, - except that their peckers are also called beaks. You, Jimbo, probably have a small pecker and a big beak. I’m just guessin’.
Dear Uncle Duffy
What is it with this John Kerry guy? I mean, he has every issue a candidate could hope for: an economy in the toilet, a national deficit that will take three generations to pay off, a idiotic war that is totally out of control and is breeding more terrorists than a room full of rabbits, a military service record that is pathetic and he is claiming to be "commander in chief", a health care system that is a disgrace, a vice president who is a nincompoop, a Secretary of Defense who is clueless,I could go on but you get the point. And where is Kerry in all this? Out to lunch I think. Are the democrats trying to lose this election to prove some point? Are they all brain dead? I just don't get it. What's the deal?
Since this is the last column which will likely ever contain a reference to Kerry, I thought I’d better answer your question. I couldn’t agree with you more. Kerry’s problem is 1) the vicious lies being told to gullible idiots in America (like that total MORON who has a huge poster of Bush on his ugly house just south of 165 across from Trails.) and 2) that he can’t seem to talk down enough so average Americans can understand his sound bites. He thinks things through and answers in complicated sentences because the issues are so complicated. That doesn’t go over well with the dumbed-down American public. Too bad…he’d probably be a good president and respected in the world again. But we deserve Bush…see letter one.
Dear Uncle Duffy
It's me again. I dumped Ramon like you told me to. Boy was that guy a worthless slacker. He even took $25.76 from my purse the day he cleared out. I'm happy to say that my new boyfriend, Enrico is a big improvement. He really cares about me. Good riddance Ramon! Anyway, Enrico says he can cure all my money woes. He knows this lady in Nigeria whose husband was high up in the government before he was arrested and this lady is looking to put all her money in my bank account. She has got millions and wants to get the money out of the country before the government takes it away from her. All she needs, Enrico says, is my bank account number and my birth date, Social Security number, and my PIN number so she can deposit the money in my account. The best part is, get this, she is going to let me keep $500,000 for helping her out! Isn't that awesome? And I have sweet little Enrico to thank for all of this.
Dear Emily G,
Wow, Enrico sounds like a keeper to me. One suggestion, although clearly Enrico has thought this through very thoroughly. Not like that Ramon guy you used to schtup. Anyway, before you give all that info to the nice folks in Nigeria you might wish to consider a deal with Uncle Duffy. Apparently there’s a real nifty bridge which goes over the river from Manhattan to one of the boroughs – I think Brooklyn. This bridge is for sale, and I understand that the owner can collect money from every car that uses the bridge – up to $5,000 a vehicle. Consider purchasing that bridge, and then you and Enrico can even build a little bungalow on it. Just a thought, but I do commend you for your visionary thinking.
—Proud as punch, Uncle Duffy