The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Something has always puzzled me. Why are there 12 inches to a foot? I have two feet and 10 toes. Was there some important person at some time who had 12 toes and somehow each was an inch long and so a foot was 12 inches? Or something like that?

    —Naturally Curious

 

Dear Naturally Curious,

Some say that the “foot” measurement came from Richard III in England, but we now know that his feet were all crippled and withered. That’s where the expression “the agony of da feet” came from. As to the inches… it’s true that Hankela had 12 dwarves he hung around with. They didn’t measure up to the ruler – note the word “ruler” as well.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I went to the rattlesnake talk they had at the Placitas Fire Brigade last month. I am very shy and so I was not able to ask this question. You seem friendly, maybe you can answer it.

    I was taught to put as much distance between myself and a snake that was rattling. My friend Tom says that is an old wifes' tale (no pun intended). Ted says that when a rattlesnake rattles his tail that it is the same as when a dog wags his tail. That is to say, the snake wants you to pat his head and be nice to him. Who do I believe? Ted? Or the old wives?

    —M. A. Dussa
    Sky Mountain

 

Dear M.A. Dussa,

One of the reasons you don’t see too many old wives walking around is because of that tale. Speaking of that, I once had an old wife who moved to St. Paul /Minneapolis and became the “Tale of Two Cities.”  A rattlesnake rattling his tail is a definite warning sign, and is as dangerous as The Patriot Act passed by the current congress of the US.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Is it just me? Or do public golf courses waste a  ton of water? If you consider how many people can play a round of golf a day, and then you consider how many millions of gallons of water they use to keep the grass green, it seems like the gold courses are using a lot of water for such a small amount of people. Why don't they build a lake and fill it with the water from the golf courses. Then we could all enjoy it.

    —Handicap 123

 

Dear Handicap 123,

I hear that the water they use on golf courses contains a large amount of dangerous chemicals like arsenic and McDonald’s coffee. Personally, Uncle Duffy enjoys going to the neighborhood golf courses and watching old men and women in funny clothes making total fools of themselves. Luckily, the old-timers tend to get massive coronaries on the course – why do you think they call the swings “strokes”?  Part of the fun is watching those morbidly obese people thinking they’re getting exercise by riding one of those electric riding carts, and walking about 14 inches to their ball.  Then they down about six cheeseburgers and 17 beers in the clubhouse after the game while they wipe the one drop of perspiration from their massive jaws. I like your idea of a lake, but then those people would just go swimming and look like belugas on a retreat from the BioPark.

UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have been reading about the recall election in California where they have over one hundred candidates on the ballot and that if Gray Davis does not get approved, that the person with the highest number of votes gets elected. Huh? I mean if Arnold Schwarteneger (he certainly could not be a write-in candidate--how do you spell his name) gets 3% of the vote, and no one else gets more than that, that Arnold is the next governor? And I though Bush got elected on a squeaker!

    —Bay Area Transplant
    La Mesa

 

Dear Transplant,

Yes, Uncle Duffy never thought there would be a state as stupid as Florida at the last election. But you have to figure it would be California. Just be glad you saw the light and moved to NM. As to the California election, Uncle Duffy would personally vote for either the ex-porn star, Mary Carey, or the little dwarf, Gary Coleman. Both of them seem stupid enough to lead that bizarre Granola (flakes, fruits and nuts) State

UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My boyfriend Leo, goes out late at night and comes home at really odd hours. He does not have a job. Not that I know of. He does not talk a lot. Leo says he loves me a lot and gives me expensive bracelets and other jewelry. How can he afford to do this when he does not have a job? Or do you think he has a night job but doesn't want to tell me?

    —Mildred
    Bernalillo

 

Dear Mildred,

I think I’ve seen Leo stalking folks on Wacky Central Avenue. He does have a job, but obviously not a legal one. Uncle Duffy recommends that you hide the jewelry he gives you, and when they come to take him away, no one will know you have it.  Wait about a year and then you can wear it all the time again. You can take comfort in knowing that they’ll probably put Leo in one of the maximum security prisons in Albuquerque, which means he’ll escape in about 15 minutes. I suggest that you move to Texas after his escape, since they seem to tolerate and even elect criminals in that state.

UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    What is irradiated food? And why are people so upset about it? Is it like a preservative? If it is, I say, if it preserves food, then it ought to preserve me. Don't you think?

    —Nancy

 

Dear Nancy,

If I may be serious for just a moment, Uncle Duffy can say undeniably that irradiated food is perfectly safe. The radiation, from beta-electrons, can never get to the nucleus of the food, and will never make the food radioactive. It does a great job killing many of  the pathogenic microbes, however, so it’s a good thing. If you’re concerned about microbial contamination, Uncle Duffy suggests that you don’t frequent any of the roadside stands in the downtown area. A good clue is the number of flies circulating the stands. Remember, an average fly would just as soon hang around fecal matter as those stands, so there’s something drawing them in.  And, if you really want to be preserved, why not have your head cut off and your body frozen. It worked so well for Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and Tom DeLay.

—UD.

 


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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