The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Don’t those morons and idiots who work for Dell and Sony and Viagra know that if people keep getting 50 spam emails a day on the same blasted subject, it’s going to make them furious?

    —Spammed in Ranchos

Dear Spammed,

I’m a little surprised that so much junk email keeps coming every bloody day too.  Me, I’d NEVER EVER buy a Dell or a Sony computer. My only fear is that I go on automatic delete every time I start up my email program. I’m scared that I may delete something that’s really important…like a letter saying I won a million dollars but I have to go to Nigeria to claim it.

—UD

 

    Ha Ha Uncle Duffydoody,

    You’re some big shot lefty commie or something, just based on those nasty notes about our President, who may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but he’s decisive.  But ha ha again, Duffydoody, your buddy, I’m sure, Danny Rather and all his pinko buddies in the networks showed their true colors when they tried to get lyin’ documents about Bush’s excellent tour of duty in the National Guard. I mean, first of all, did Texas and Alabama get attacked in the 60’s and 70’s? Not on your life boy (a soap joke, get it?). But now you have to agree that all that there media is lefty propaganda.  So ha ha Duffydoody.

    —Right wing and always right, right?

Dear Right Wing…,

Yes I guess all media is slanted left. Especially talk-radio like that fat moron Rushie, and of course, Fox News – our new State Radio, which gives Al Jazeera a run for its money in governmental lies. Interestingly, the progressives now have a radio station at 1350 a.m., but they have a woman on that show called Randy somethingorother, and she’s as big a moron as Rush and Medved and all the rightwing idiots. I’m embarrassed to listen to her because she’s as vindictive and nasty and as dumb as her counterparts on the other side of the dial. Oh, and by the way, some of the papers may in fact have been forged, but so far, no one has said that the stuff they said about Bush – being drunk and on coke and absent without leave, isn’t true.  But you morons are going to win anyway. Unless things change quickly, Bushie-boy will win this time and serve another 4 years of disaster for this country. You deserve him you simpleton bumblebrain.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    My girlfriend and me, we’re thinking of tying the knot.  That’s an expression for you oldtimers – it means we want to get hitched. That’s an expression for you other oldtimers – it means we want to get married someday. She insists on a ring, but I tell her that a bathtub ring is the same thing. She don’t laugh. So here’s my dilemma, Uncle. Every time we go the distance – that’s an expression for you oldtimers – it means Whole Hog. That’s an expression for you other old timers – it means schtuping.  Well, every time we schtup, about two days later I have these red thingies all over the skin in that private area just seen by my girl and my good friends when we’re peeing in a trough. Should I stop our marriage plans?

    —Red and concerned

Dear Red and concerned,

You can talk to your sweetie, but don’t do anything rash. Get it? I’d have her tested, and then I’d have her IQ tested. I wouldn’t bother getting your IQ tested…let me guess…lower double digits, about as intelligent as your chia pet.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle

    It’s those dogs on Windmill Trail again. They bark all day long and then all night long.  I’m thinking of doing something drastic. 

    —Frustrated on Juniper Hills

Dear Frustrated,

Don’t do anything drastic…to the dogs. It’s not their fault. However, feel free to do something drastic to their retarded owners who allow everyone to be annoyed. I drove up there last week to see what you were talking about…couldn’t find Windmill Trail for about 4 hours, but did find it eventually. As I drove past those two dogs, they let out a continuous stream of barking for the whole time I was there. Maybe if everyone who lives around those curs (the owners; not the dogs) would send a letter to them… just maybe the imbeciles will do something about it.

Don’t hold your breath!

—UD

 

    Hey UD, My Man,

    I want to do what you do?  I want to be an advice columnist for a major Website of a major community newspaper like the Northside Signpost. What should I major in in school?  How can I get this job. Hey, are you ever on vacation. I’d love to take over for you. For example… if some broad writes to me that she’s gonna lose her boyfriend is she doesn’t, you know, let him, you know, then I’m gonna tell her that she ought to let him, you know, y’know?  Pretty good, eh?  Am I ready to step in and take over when your sell by date expires?

    —Columnist in Training

 

Dear Columnist,

Wow, you’re great. What insight! What great writing? I’d better watch my step or you’ll be taking over for me in no time. (note to self: is this guy kidding? Does he know that I had to correct 85 typos before I was able to publish his letter? ) Ouch

—UD


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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