The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    My old man Dave goes out for a pack of cigarettes, and is sometimes gone for 3 or 4 hours. When he comes home he smells of cheap perfume and alcohol. I have offered to come with him but he says, a woman's place is in the home. I asked once why it took 3 hours to buy a crummy pack of smokes. He said they were out at the smoke shop and he had to drive all over town to find his brand, Marlboro. Should I believe him?

    —Smoked Salmon

Dear Smoked Salmon,

Do you mind if I call you ”Lox”? First of all, Marlboro is sold at every store in town which sells ANY cancer sticks. It’s the cigarette of all you cool guys and gals out there who want to be like the Marlboro cowboy – who, incidentally died of horrendous throat and lung cancer at a young age in the 70’s.  Second of all, your old man smells of cheap perfume and alcohol either because he’s seeing a slut or possibly because he’s a cross dressing transvestite who hangs out and plies his/her trade on wacky Central Avenue. They call it old route 66 since the average age of the hookers there is an old 66. So either way, I’d move out as soon as you can.  You can sure pick ‘em. Get out get out get out.

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I don't read a newspaper or watch the news on TV. It's too depressing. I stopped watching when we went to war over some weapons which never showed up but a lot of innocent people died in order to find this out. But I digress.I live alone, and so my question is this. Since I am in a self-imposed news blackout, how do I know then daylight savings time is over?

    —Trish
    Trails

     

Dear Trish of Trails,

That’s why I call Bush’s lies “weapons of mass deception”! And, sadly, the carnage continues today…months after Bush pretended to pilot a plane onto an aircraft carrier and declare the war over. And, since you don’t read a newspaper or watch the news on TV, it’s not really relevant when daylight savings time is over. Hey, you can always go to Indiana or Arizona since they don’t believe in saving daylight. Since you did send me your message on a computer, check the bottom right-hand line on the screen.  The computer knows when to switch to daylight savings time. You don’t need to know, just like the braintrusts in Arizona and Indiana.

 

—UD

 

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I'm 14 (well almost) and my boyfriend is 19 (really). We have been going out for 4 weeks now and I think that it is the real thing.

    We know this tattoo dude in Albuquerque who can do a tattoo of a person's face, like a photograph almost. Drake (that's my boyfriend... he's so cute) wants me to have his picture tattooed on the inside of my thigh (where only he can see it!!!).

    I think it sounds really cool. The only problem is, I'm afraid of needles of any kind, even tattoo needles. What do you think I should do? I don't want Drake to think I don't love him?

    —Scared in Sandia Heights

 

Dear Scared,

Y’know, I’m scared just going to Sandia Heights, so I don’t blame you for being nervous about the tattooing. I’m guessing that, since you’re 13, you may find another guy some day, so I wouldn’t do anything permanent with my body if I were you. This is particularly true since your boyfriend is no doubt going to go to prison soon for statutory rape of a dim-witted 13 year-old. But you can visit him in prison, although you might not be able to flash that thigh tattoo at him too readily.  I hope this helps.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    Who are you really? I was hoping to meet you at Placitas Appreciation Day since my friend Barb said she thought you lived in Placitas somewhere. Is that true? And why are you so shy? Do you ever appear in public? And if you do, would you sign my copy of the Signpost?

    —Dorothy from Placitas

Dear Dorothy,

Your friend Barb is correct. I do live in Placitas. I’m keeping a low profile because some of my advice may have annoyed a person or two – particularly the omnipresent flaming right-wingers who grace Placitas and who are known to carry hundreds of guns (no doubt many of them are registered – the guns AND the people). I do appear in public, and can often be seen in the last remaining restaurant in Placitas.  Just look for me at one of the lunch tables.  I’m the one who won’t make eye-contact with you…something that’s quite unusual for New Mexico. My demeanor is generally moribund.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I have written a poem and would like to know if you think I have any talent.

      There once was a Uncle named Duffy

        Who was quite fond of Orange Ruffy

          He'd swallow a fin

        With a mouthful of Gin

    And never once would he look scruffy

    —Henry W. Longfellow - Cherry Hill

 

Dear Henry,

Wow, that was beautiful. It’s the first poem I’ve ever gotten in the mail.  And I do love a thimbleful of Gin about 30 times a day. Thank you.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy

    I've been a CPA for almost 30 years. The other day when I was driving into town to see a client, I got to thinking; I've been a CPA just about all my adult life. I like numbers and I have some very excellent clients. But maybe I would have been happier doing something else? Do they accept people my age in the Astronaut program?

    —Boring in Bernalillo

 

Dear Boring,

Funny you should write that. I’ve known a lot of accountants in my life, and without exception they’re dull beyond belief.  Most have the personality of a sessile slug, and the looks to match their personality.  I recommend that you do try to get into the Astronaut program, you must be highly qualified – after all, in school you no doubt “took up space”.

—UD

 


Got a question for Uncle Duffy? Click here to send it. If Uncle Duffy is in the mood, he’ll answer it.

The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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