The Sandoval Signpost

An Independent Monthly Newsmagazine Serving the Community since 1989

ASK UNCLE DUFFY

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Okay, so like, I’m at the Sunport and I’m using the men’s washroom, for…y’know…for y’know “going” to the washroom. I notice first of all that a lot of the guys don’t wash their hands. What’s the deal? Don’t they know they can spread germs. One guy was wearing a restaurant uniform.  I didn’t like that one bit. Anyway, my real reason for writing is that the Sunport bathrooms have these automatic faucets…y’know you put your hand under them and then the water comes out for about 1 second.  So then you have to wave your hand under it again and sometimes water doesn’t come out, and sometimes it does, and then you have to wave your hand under the towel dispenser and sometimes you get a towel, about 3 inches long, and sometimes you just have to wipe your hands on your pants, and that’s really annoying.  I mean, it’s really annoying. So my question is, isn’t that really annoying?

    —Really Annoyed at the Sunport

Dear Really Annoyed,

Wow, where do I begin to respond to your bizarre questions? I myself have noticed that about 50% of the men wash and dry their hands after relieving themselves – either with solid or liquid wastes, if you catch my meaning. About half of the remaining guys only wash their hands if someone else is in the bathroom and may be observing them. I’ve seen some guys – just for appearance - take a swipe at the faucet, not even get any water, god forbid soap, on their hands, and then wipe their hands on about 4 feet of towels they keep pulling off. I’ve also found that the automatic faucets work about 10% of the time. Keep trying them all until one works.  There’s a water shortage out here, in spite of all the new construction in the west side of Placitas, so those automatic faucets probably save a little water. Maybe.  Don’t even get me started on those automatic flushing toilets which only flush when there’s nothing in the bowl. It’s always an interesting exercise to go from stall to stall until you find one with nothing in the bowl. Whatever.

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    What is a cardinal rule, and does it have anything to do with the St. Louis Cardinals?

    —F. MacIntire
    Bernalillo

Dear F.,

What a great question. You’re very bright. (Note to self… I’ve got to come up with a better way to screen these notes). No the Cardinal Rules have nothing to do with the St. Louis Cardinals. It really stems back from the old Chicago Cardinal days – the team which plays and always loses in the armpit of the world, Phoenix, Arizona.  The original Cardinal Rule was, “only keep Jake the Snake in at quarterback until his first three interceptions”. Of course, even before that there was a Cardinal Rule developed by Cardinal Richelieu in France, who ruled with one of the Louies. His rule was simple… if you don’t believe in god my way, then I have to burn you alive and pluck out your eyeballs. God would be very pleased. You may be familiar with Cardinal Richelieu’s hit song “Louie, Louie”.

UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Are rabbits rodents, you know, like pack rats and mice?  My neighbor who always knows everything about anything says she thinks they are lagomorphs. I’ve never heard of a lagomorph.  Have you?

    —Judy Burnstein
    Corrales

Dear Judy,

Or as Cary Grant used to say, “Judy Judy Judy.” No, you’re thinking of a LEGO-morph. That’s an animal that kids make out of yellow and blue blocks. I do know that lagomorphs have big incisors, but so does my cousin Harry. Reminds me of the time my wife, Aunt Fern, made me some delicious rabbit stew. I kept telling her that there was a hare in my stew. Get it? She didn’t think it was funny either. She never thinks my stuff is funny. It’s a Cardinal Rule that she never laughs at my jokes. By the way, what the heck is a Cardinal Rule, does it have anything to do with the St. Louis Cardinals?

—UD

    Dear Uncle Duffy,

    Is it just me, or do the Republicans have nothing to offer to the voters.  I get the impression they do not, which is why they have to attack John Kerry, his wife, and his running mate, John Edwards. Have the Republicans not done anything they can brag about in this election? It makes me crazy.

    —Dan DuVal
    Sundance Mesa

Dear Dan,

Oh no, way, Hose A (José). You’re not going to get me into a political discussion. Half of my readers are Republicans… or course that’s the half that are total morons who have nothing but contempt for human values and freedom and who think that everyone can get into Yale if their father performs deviant sexual acts on the registrar. Just ask their current president, a real imbecile whom you can only see if you sign a nice illegal loyalty oath, what Indian Sovereignty is. I saw a room full of journalist break out laughing at what a doofis this Dubya guy is, but there’s no way I’m getting into a political discussion. You vote for whom you think is more qualified.  May the best man win… and may they actually count all the votes this time.

—UD


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The opinions and advice printed here do not represent the opinions of the Sandoval Signpost. In fact we’re not real sure they represent the opinions of anyone.

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